The biggest source of conflict for couples is … the urge to win. When winning is most important, then your spouse’s perspectives are summarily dismissed or trampled upon, leading to a downward cycle of spiral of resentment, hostility and then to alienation. And the relationship suffers.
So why do people choose winning over understanding their spouse? (There are variety of reasons, do any of these resonate with what is going on for you?)
– Some go for the win as a sort of preemptive strike—if they hit first, they believe that they can avoid being shamed, humiliated, or bullied.
– Some think that crushing the other is the only course of action open to them—they’re afraid that unless they’re overpowering, they’ll be overpowered.
– Some feel safer and triumphant when they put others down – at least temporarily – . and these short-term gains fool them into thinking that they’ve chosen the right tactic.
Instead of aiming to win (or be right), aim to understand where your spouse is coming from on the issue. Listen compassionately with genuine curiosity.