We all know there will be fights and conflicts of interest sometimes. That’s a given.
Don’t let negative emotions fester. Bottling up emotions means that it will build up and eventually explode in an extremely unhealthy and detrimental manner.
Rather, bring it up – respectfully. As soon as you have calmed down from the episode that brought those negative emotions. Work from logical part of your brain, not emotional.
Think before you share:
1. Our marriage relationship is key.
2. Determine why you want to share this; ensure that your intentions to share the feedback are in the right place. What are you seeking to accomplish? (Remember, this is a withdrawal in the emotional bank account.)
The words you choose can make a huge difference. Think of the end result – what would you like this conversation to accomplish.
-“You are an inconsiderate slob. I have asked you a hundred times to put your dishes in the dishwasher. You never listen. I do all the work around here and I’m sick of it.” Say something like:
– “You work hard and I know you’re tired at the end of the day. I feel frustrated, though, when dishes are left in the living room, because a clean house is important to me. I’d appreciate it if you’d make it a priority to put your dishes into the dishwasher.” 1. DESCRIBE ACCURATELY
– Do not minimize/ exaggerate the story – “always/ never”
– Do not exaggerate the feeling – ‘dismayed’ when really ‘surprised’
– Don’t generalize; be specific
2. I STATEMENTS
– Describe how you see the situation, not blaming or talking about the other’s responsibility.
3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
– Do not ‘cross-over’ or mindread. “You did it because you …”