Apology Languages

Not all apologies sound the same.

We have different ways that we prefer to hear an apology (just as there are different ways we feel loved, your ‘love language’).

It is important to understand your own apology language so that you can share this information with others to help them understand what you need. It is also helpful to hear from others what their apology language is to improve communication.

One is not better than the other, we simply prefer a way of apologizing and feel most heard when our apology language is spoken by others.

The 5 Apology Languages are:

– Expressing regret
– Accepting responsibility
– Making restitution
– Genuinely repenting
– Requesting forgiveness

Take this quiz to better understand your own Apology Language. Then, read about how you ought to apologize to your spouse (when you will inevitably do something that hurts them).

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Your spouse failed to acknowledge your wedding anniversary. S/he should say:

“I can’t believe I forgot. You and our marriage are so important to me. I am so sorry.”

“There is no excuse for me forgetting. What was I thinking?”

“What can I do to prove my love for you?”

“You can bet I won’t forget next year! I’m going to add the date into my calendar for the next years!”

“I know you are hurt, but can you ever forgive me?”

You were proud of your accomplishment, but your spouse acted as if it was trivial. S/he should say:

“You needed me to share your excitement, and I let you down. I hate that I didn’t respond more appropriately.”

“I spoiled your celebration by not being happy for you. I could make excuses, but really, I have no good excuse for ignoring your achievement.”

“Is it too late for us to celebrate your accomplishment? I really want to make this up to you.”

“I promise I’ll notice and celebrate your accomplishments in the future. I’ve learned a hard lesson.”

“I know I failed you before, but will you please forgive me again?”

Your spouse failed to consult with you on an important matter of mutual interest. S/he should say:

“Is there anything I can do to make up for what I did?”

“In the future, I plan to consult with you no matter what. I won’t bypass you in making decisions again.”

“You have every right to hold this against me, but will you please forgive me?”

“I know now that I hurt you very badly. I am truly sorry for what I did.”

“I really blew it this time. I was wrong to not include you in this decision. You have a right to be upset with me.”

Your spouse knew how you felt about a matter and knowingly went against your wishes. S/he should say:

“Will you please give me another chance?”

“I won’t take your feelings for granted in the future.”

“What can I do to regain your respect and trust?”

“If I had only thought about what I was doing, I would have realized it was wrong.”

“I knew how you felt but went against your wishes anyway. I wish I had not done that.”

You were trying to tell your spouse something important, and they acted disinterested. S/he should say:

“Listening is such an important part of a strong relationship, but once again, I blew it. You needed me to hear you, and I basically just ignored your need.”

“I messed up this time, but in the future, I promise to give you my full attention when you say you have something important to tell me.”

“I feel really bad that I didn’t listen to what you were saying. I know how it feels to have something important to say, and I regret that I didn’t listen to you.”

“Can we back up and try again? You talk, and I’ll listen. You’ll have my undivided attention.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. You don’t have to forgive me, but I hope you will.”

Although you had expressed your annoyance with a particular habit many times before, your spouse continued exhibiting the behavior to spite you. S/he should say:

“I’ve taken this too far. I’m very sorry for not being more considerate of your wishes. I wouldn’t like it if you did that to me.”

“I’ve tried your patience, and now I’m asking you to forgive me. Will you allow me a fresh start in honoring your requests?”

“I have gotten into the habit of disregarding your wishes, and I don’t want to go on doing that. From now on, I’m going to make extra effort to honor your wishes.”

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ won’t take back the fact that I’ve knowingly tried to annoy you. What more can I do to win back your favor?”

“OK, I admit it; I am annoying you on purpose, and that’s neither funny nor fair. I need to act more mature than that.”

Despite a promise to keep your secret, your spouse broke your trust by telling their family. S/he should say:

“I told you I would keep your secret, and I broke my promise and damaged your trust in me. I made a terrible mistake.”

“Help me know what I should do to restore your trust in me.”

“You don’t have to answer immediately, but will you consider forgiving me for making this mistake?”

“It may take you some time to rebuild your trust in me, but I’ll be working hard from now on to prove that I am trustworthy.”

“If only I had thought about how much damage I was doing by telling your secret. I feel so bad for not having taken my promise more seriously.”

Your spouse came very late to the concert and you were waiting outside for them. S/he should say:

“I’m so sorry you had to stand there waiting on me. You are important to me, and I should have honored you and your time by being there when I said I would be.”

“In the future, I will manage my time and prioritize my schedule so that I tend to our relationship like I should.”

“Our relationship really is important, and I hope you won’t give up on me. Will you forgive me for making you wait so long by yourself?”

“Let’s go to another concert, as a way of apologizing for standing you up last time.”

“You stood there waiting on me, thinking I would show up at any moment, and I let you down. If I had only managed my time differently, I would have been there. That is totally my fault.”

Your spouse lashed out in anger against you when you had done no apparent wrong. S/he should say:

“I wish I had not hurt you by yelling at you. I feel so bad for how I treated you.”

“I’m afraid that I’ll do this again, and I don’t want to. Help me think of ways to avoid blowing up like this in the future.”

“I am truly sorry for yelling at you. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“What can I do or say to make things right between us?”

“I was angry, but I had no right to speak to you that way. You did not deserve that.”

Your spouse made an insensitive remark about you in front of friends. S/he should say:

“I know what I said was wrong and that I hurt your feelings.”

“Would you allow me to retract what I said? I would like a chance to restore your reputation.”

“I blew it! Can you forgive me?”

“While I will likely say wrong things again in the future, what I’ve learned from this experience will help me avoid hurting you with insensitive comments.”

“That was so thoughtless of me. I wish I had been more considerate of your feelings.”

Apology

Based on your responses, your preferred language of apology is EXPRESSING REGRET. You want to hear the other person express their sincere feelings of regret, guilt or shame over what they did or said.

Based on your responses, your preferred language of apology is Accepting Responsibility. You want to hear an admission from the other person that they recognize that they are at fault for what they said or did that hurt you.

Based on your responses, your preferred language of apology is Making Restitution. You want to hear that the other person will find a way to make amends. Your role is to help them know what it is that they can do to make it up to you. DO NOT make them come up with the idea; there is no point in them trying to make it up to you but doing something that you do not appreciate.

Based on your responses, your preferred language of apology is Genuinely Repenting. You want to hear the other person promise and share a plan to change, so the problem doesn't happen again.

REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

Based on your responses, your preferred language of apology is Requesting Forgiveness. You want to hear an explicit request for forgiveness.

Apologizing