Ending a Shiduch with Dignity

Ending a shiduch can be a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.

You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know quite a bit about each other. And then you determine that this person is not for you, and you want to end the relationship.

Remember, this is a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.

Be a mench.

This is not about you – it’s about the receiver. Do what you believe in your gut is the right way to let them know. Even if it makes you uncomfortable.

There are different perspectives about how to end the shiduch. Consider which resonates best with you , the other person and the relationship.

1.
The shadchen should let them know.
She can simply say “It is just not going to work out. Two wonderful people – just not for each other.” No reasons given.

2.

If it is early in the process, a shadchen can say it. But if you met several times and shared personal information and created some sort of relationship, then you owe them a conversation.

Think of the context.

How much time you spent together, what was shared.

How might s/he take the news.

What you might say

Firstly, recognize that negative news cannot really be painless. But this must be said. For both of your sakes.

Think of it this way: Short term pain now, or long term pain later? If you are intent on avoiding that pain and you don’t express her thoughts, then you just might end up marrying. The pain later will be even greater. And there might even be children involved at that point.

So just knowing that it will be painful but it must be done might make it just a bit easier to make that decision.

Truth sets one free. Even if it is painful. As hard as it is to be the receiver of such a message, it is really a blessing.

If you withhold the truth (‘string someone on’), then the other will most likely make inaccurate assumptions and predictions. And they might make some decisions based on those faulty assumptions. And then when the truth does come out, it is more hurtful.

Telling the truth liberates both people to deal effectively with that truth.

Try to minimize the pain or surprise that the other might feel.

Try to see the situation from the other’s perspectives.

Keep it short.

You do not have to share the details about how you came to that decision.

Choose words (and way) to say that leaves the other with their dignity.

Reassure that you wont share anything that you spoke about or did.

You might practice your words before having the actual conversation.

“This is not easy for me to say, and perhaps it won’t be easy for you hear. We’ve had some great conversations and I really enjoy your company. Despite each of our strengths and interests, I simply think we don’t match well enough for long term marriage. I am looking for someone who matches up with my own unique self.

“You are good person and I wish nothing but the best for you. And I assure you that anything that you have shared with me, I will not share; I very much live by the principle that it is your story and not mine to share.”

As applicable, you might give a heads-up that you have something important you want to discuss.

When/ where to tell?
In person, on a date?

For men:
How do you think she might feel about getting back in the car with you after you told her?
How might you feel to have to drive her home?
How will she feel if her tears came?
How will you feel if she cries or holds back tears; will you cave?
Will she be able to convince you to change your mind, do you want her to?

Is there a more neutral place and way to have the conversation?

When/ where to tell?
In person, on a date?

For women:
How do you think he might feel about getting back in the car with you after you told him?
How might you feel with him driving you home?
Can you handle his tears or choking back?

Is there a more neutral place and way to have the conversation?

When/ where to tell?

​This is too important to share via text.

Lastly,

Respect their response.
People react differently to such news, especially if it is a surprise. Or the other has formed a connection.

Some might be silent, others might hurl an insult, some may cry. Recognize that there are many emotions that are fueling the response.

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Ending a shiduch can be a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.

 


You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know quite a bit about each other. And then you determine that this person is not for you, and you want to end the relationship.

Remember, this is a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.

 

Be a mench. 

This is not about you – it’s about the receiver.  Do what you believe in your gut is the right way to let them know.  Even if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

There are different perspectives about how to end the shiduch. Consider which resonates best with you, the other person and the relationship.  

1.

The shadchen should let them know.

She can simply say “It is just not going to work out. Two wonderful people – just not for each other.” No reasons given.

2.

If it is early in the process, a shadchen can say it. But if you met several times and shared personal information and created some sort of relationship, then you owe them a conversation. 

--

Think of the context.

How much time you spent together, what was shared.

How might s/he take the news.

--

What you might say

Firstly, recognize that negative news cannot really be painless.  But this must be said. For both of  your sakes.

Think of it this way: Short term pain now, or long term pain later? If you  are intent on avoiding that pain and you don’t express her thoughts, then you just might end up marrying. The pain later will be even greater. And there might even be children involved at that point.

So just knowing that it will be painful but it must be done might make it just a bit easier to make that decision.

Truth sets one free. Even if it is painful. As hard as it is to be the receiver of such a message, it is really a blessing.

If you withhold the truth (‘string someone on’), then the other will most likely make inaccurate assumptions and predictions. And they might make some decisions based on those faulty assumptions. And then when the truth does come out, it is more hurtful.  

Telling the truth liberates both people to deal effectively with that truth. 

-

Try to minimize the pain or surprise that the other might feel.

Try to see the situation from the other’s perspectives.

Keep it short.

You do not have to share the details about how you came to that decision.

Choose words (and way) to say that leaves the other with their dignity.

Reassure that you won’t share anything that you spoke about or did. 

You might practice your words before having the actual conversation.

 

“This is not easy for me to say, and perhaps it won’t be easy for you hear. We’ve had some great conversations and I really enjoy your company.  Despite each of our strengths and interests, I simply think we don’t match well enough for long term marriage. I am looking for someone who matches up with my own unique self.

“You are good person and I wish nothing but the best for you. And I assure you that anything that you have shared with me, I will not share; I very much live by the principle that it is your story and not mine to share.”

As applicable, you might give a heads-up that you have something important you want to discuss.

-

When/ where to tell? In person,  on a date?

For men: 

  • How do you think she might feel about getting back in the car with you after you told her? 
  • How might you feel to have to drive her home? 
  • How will she feel if her tears came? 
  • How will you feel if she cries or holds back tears; will you cave? 
  • Will she be able to convince you to change your mind, do you want her to? 
  • Is there a more neutral place and way to have the conversation?

For women: 

  • How do you think he might feel about getting back in the car with you after you told him?
  • How might you feel with him driving you home?
  • Can you handle his tears or choking back?
  • Is there a more neutral place and way to have the conversation?

This is too important to share via text.

--
Lastly,

Respect their response. People react differently to such news, especially if it is a surprise. Or the other has formed a connection.

Some might be silent, others might hurl an insult, some may cry. Recognize that there are many emotions that are fueling the response.

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