Intimacy begins with knowing yourself.

כַּמַּיִם הַפָּנִ֣ים לַפָּנִ֑ים כֵּ֤ן לֵֽב־הָ֜אָדָ֗ם לָאָדָֽם

It may seem a little paradoxical, but the first step in achieving intimacy with others is getting comfortable with yourself.  If we are going to experience intimacy (that is, to reveal ourselves), to some extent,* we have to know ourselves and be comfortable with ourselves.

“To some extent” because nobody knows himself completely and nobody is completely comfortable with him/herself. The effort to truly know yourself is a lifelong effort.

Understanding yourself provides a foundation for:

• managing yourself
• spotting emotions in others
• and managing relationships in that situation.
• Self awareness is about understanding ourselves and knowing what pushes our buttons (in both good and not such good ways).

In precious moments of solitude and silence, undisturbed by the comings and goings of the world, we are able to develop a sense of our legitimate needs, our deepest desires, and our talents and abilities.

The first step toward experiencing true intimacy is getting comfortable with yourself and learning to enjoy your own company.

In one way or another, most people are not comfortable with themselves (yet) and their discomfort with themselves can limit the way they experience intimacy.

Important points to reflect on:

Your past (people you worked for, authority figures, parents and family, role models, etc.) impacts who you are now.

Most of our inner drive, and certainly the way we react to others, comes from our own past experiences.

Our past and our self-image play a large part in how we choose to interpret other people’s behaviors. More importantly, they also determine the way we act and the effect we have on others.  This is commonly spoken about as triggers*.

Trigger: A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

We each have our own individual behaviors that shape how people perceive us.

Such behaviors often stem from our backgrounds or demonstrate what we value.

Your behaviors are based on:

1. Lessons you learned about what is acceptable
2. Your level of needs for affection, warmth
3. Your beliefs about self, life, other people
4. Your inner voice
5. Your ways of thinking
6. The lifestyle you seek
7. The way you want to be seen by others
8. Your goals and sense of purpose
9. Things you dismiss, reject or find difficult to deal with.

The first step is to consciously acknowledge the essential truth of the human condition. While the human person is wonderful and capable of extraordinary things, we are all broken.

We are all imperfect.
When we allow ourselves to reflect adequately on the truth that we all have faults and failings, we will grow more and more comfortable with ourselves, and more and more comfortable in the company of others.