Make Sure You Understand Each Other

When getting to know each other, you really want to make sure that you both understand who the other is, not only the words they say.

When getting to know each other, you really want to make sure that you both understand who the other is, not only the words they say.

• What is their definition of 'frum'?

• What does 'lots of guests' mean to them?

• What does 'a close family' look like to them?

Ask for examples and stories.

"What does that look like to you?"

"What do you mean when you say [XYZ]?"

"Please describe that to me."

"Please share an example of what you are talking about."

"Tell me more about that."

Share examples and stories.

"Let me explain in more detail...."

"This is what I mean when I say ..."

Simply include it in your conversation.

Ask for ‘word slashes’.

“When you say ‘independent’ what other words might you use to mean the same thing?” You might get ‘independent/ reliable/ responsible’ or ‘independent/ doesn’t need anyone in his life/ loves his freedom”.

Ask for rating scale.

As applicable, you might ask : “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is that to you?”

Reflect back what you heard to confirm that you understood it accurately.

"So what I'm hearing is that you [XYZ]. Did I get that right?" (Not, "So what you are saying...") Then listen to clarification.

You can also ask your date, "Could you please let me know the gist of what you have heard?"

NOTE: This is only necessary for the important issues (values, visions for the future, family, etc.), not everything you are discussing.

Clarify as needed.

​If needed, make gentle corrections or additions. “That’s not quite it. Let me try again to say it in different words.”

​You might add another example. Or come at it from a different angle.

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When getting to know each other, you really want to make sure that you both understand who the other is, not only the words they say.

 


When getting to know each other, you really want to make sure that you both understand who the other is, not only the words they say.

  • What is their definition of 'frum'?
  • What does 'lots of guests' mean to them?
  • What does 'a close family' look like to them?

 Ask for examples and stories.

  • "What does that look like to you?"
  • "What do you mean when you say [XYZ]?"
  • "Please describe that to me."
  • "Please share an example of what you are talking about."
  • "Tell me more about that."

 Share examples and stories. 

  • "Let me explain in more detail...."
  • "This is what I mean when I say ..."
  • Simply include it in your conversation.

 Ask for ‘word slashes’.

  • “When you say ‘independent’ what other words might you use to mean the same thing?”  You might get ‘independent/ reliable/ responsible’ or ‘independent/ doesn’t need anyone in his life/  loves his  freedom”.

Ask for rating scale.

  • As applicable, you might ask : “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is that to you?”

 

Reflect back what you heard to confirm that you understood it accurately.

  • "So what I'm hearing is that you [XYZ]. Did I get that right?"  (Not, "So what you are saying...")  Then listen to clarification.
  • You can also ask your date, "Could you please let me know the gist of what you have heard?"

NOTE: This is only necessary for the important issues (values, visions for the future, family, etc.), not everything you are discussing.

Clarify as needed.

  • If needed, make gentle corrections or additions.  “That’s not quite it.  Let me try again to say it in different words.”  
  • You might add another example. Or come at it from a different angle.
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