In a healthy marriage, each spouse has sole authority and sole responsibility for speaking his or her own thoughts and feelings and for deciding his or her actions.
Don’t trespass. Trespassing feels invasive and is likely to trigger defensiveness and repulsion. And many times, the trespasser is not accurate.
Don’t crossover. Don’t violate that invisible –but very very real – boundary between you and your spouse.
If you must give feedback about your distress – do it without criticism or crossovers.
Give feedback with WHEN YOU
Can be in either order – these 2 components work together to give feedback without sounding attacking.
You left me alone! – an accusation
When you left me alone, I panicked. – an explanation
When your snoring woke up last night, I couldn’t fall back asleep.
I couldn’t fall back asleep when your snoring woke me up.