Taking a Break

Sometimes it happens. You’re dating someone and you’re just not sure. Sometimes, ‘taking a break’ from meeting each other is the best thing to do.

Sometimes it happens. You’re dating someone and you’re just not sure. Sometimes, ‘taking a break’ from meeting each other is the best thing to do.

Use this time to slow down and reconnect with yourself, with your own thoughts. So that you can make this important life decision from a place of peace of mind.

Sometimes, people just need some space to work things out in their head.

​Every time you have a conversation with someone, even a small text, you get more interconnected. And it doesn’t allow for real thinking about whatever it is that needs thinking.

First and most important, make sure you both are clear about the reason for the break. Discuss that you both will use the time to gain clarity about feelings and thoughts.

Then agree together about the details of the break. This way it is clear to all and no one gets insulted about anything. Some things to discuss:
• Absolutely no communication. No ‘Good Shabbos’ texts. NOTHING!

• When the break will be over. (A break should be at least a week.)

• Who will initiate the first communication. And how.

• Keep the shadchen involved.

During the break, take the time of no communication to recalibrate – to clear your head and think with your head.

What do you know about him/her? How does that fit with who you are and what you want for your life?

​What sides of you does s/he bring out? What do you bring out in him/her? And how do you feel about all that?

What else would you like to know? How might you find out? How might you ask him/her? (Don’t make assumptions or inferences.)


Can you see him/her as the parent of your children?

And if it all makes enough sense with your head, bring in your heart.


Do you miss him/her? What about him/her do you miss? Are they good reasons, or is it infatuation?

Do not date other people during this break. Not until you have officially called off the relationship.

Similarly, do not start ‘looking into other people’ either.

Body language shows your level of interest.

Everyone's body language provides hints to others during the course of a conversation, even if they don't realize that they are doing it. Nonverbal communications are very difficult to fake.

• Moving closer or leaning in toward the other person usually shows that you are interested.
• Crossed arms make you appear cold, closed-off, or aggravated.
• Slouching, moving away can indicate a lack of interest.
• Nodding, smiling (genuine smiling) show interest.
• Make eye contact. Looking away can indicate discomfort with what you are saying or hearing. Of course, avoid eye rolling, etc.

Mirror the other person.
People feel more comfortable by those who match their behavior, tone of voice, talking speed, and so on. If they speak softly, bring your own voice down a notch; if they’re enthusiastic, act similarly.

Don't mirror what they are saying.
Don't repeat their observations, or just agree with them. Build on what they said.
NOT "Beautiful day." "Yes, it is a beautiful day today."
RATHER "Beautiful day." "On days like this, we used to go to the park for a picnic."

Now you have given the other person a hook to continue the conversation.

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Sometimes it happens. You’re dating someone and you’re just not sure. Sometimes, ‘taking a break’ from meeting each other is the best thing to do.

 


Sometimes it happens. You’re dating someone and you’re just not sure.  Sometimes, ‘taking a break’ from meeting each other is the best thing to do.

Use this time to slow down and reconnect with yourself, with your own thoughts. So that you can make this important life decision from a place of peace of mind.

Sometimes, people just need some space to work things out in their head.

Every time you have a conversation with someone, even a small text, you get more interconnected. And it doesn’t allow for real thinking about whatever it is that needs thinking.

--

First and most important, make sure you both are clear about the reason for the break. Discuss that you both will use the time to gain clarity about feelings and thoughts.

Then agree together about the details of the break. This way it is clear to all and no one gets insulted about anything.  Some things to discuss:

  • Absolutely no communication. No ‘Good Shabbos’ texts.
    NOTHING!
  • When the break will be over.  (A break should be at least a week.)
  • Who will initiate the first communication. And how.
  • Keep the shadchen involved.

--

During the break, take the time of no communication to recalibrate – to clear your head and think with your head.

What do you know about him/her?   How does that fit with who you are and what you want for your life?

What sides of you does s/he bring out? What do you bring out in him/her? And how do you feel about all that?

What else would you like to know? How might you find out? How might you ask him/her?  (Don’t make assumptions or inferences.)

Can you see him/her as the parent of your children?

--

And if it all makes enough sense with your head, bring in your heart.

Do you miss him/her? What about him/her do you miss?
Are they good reasons, or is it infatuation?

--

Do not date other people during this break. Not until you have officially called off the relationship.

Similarly, do not start ‘looking into other people’ either.

 

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