Use better words.
Questions that stimulate informative answers almost all begin with the open-ended WHAT or HOW.
Questions that begin with “Are you” or Do you” invite yes and no answers, and then shut down the conversation.
Yes/ No: “Do you want to ….”
Answer: “No.”
Open-ended: “How would you feel about …”
Answer: “I’d rather try ….”
Yes/ No: “Are you interested in …?”
Open-ended: “What would you like to do about ….?”
DISCUSS: How and what questions.
| Don’t want/ Don’t like | Would like |
|---|---|
Multiple don’t want statements “I don’t want a blue sweater.” | Would like statements efficiently convey your preferences “I would like a red V neck sweater.” |
| Don’t like tends to engender defensiveness, discouragement and negativity | Would like invites constructive dialog |
| Don’t like and don’t want generate ill will | Would like adds positivity, goodwill, enthusiasm and cooperation |
Avoid following “would like” with the word “you”. I would like you to sounds controlling.
These invite cooperation
- I would like a …
- I would like to …
- I would like more …
Example: You can neutralize the negativity of a I don’t want by adding what you would like.
“I don’t like to start dinner at 7 PM; I would like to start earlier so we can have longer evenings together.”
DISCUSS: Would like statements
Nobody likes to hear complaints.
- No one likes to hear complaints; they give most people a downer feeling.
Instead of complaining, request.
- Requests establish a positive tone and invite
helpful responses and solutions.
—
Complaint: “I hate …”
Complaint: “Why do we always …”
Complaint: “I don’t like that ….”
Complaint: “It bugs me when …”
—
Request: “How about …?”
Request: “How would you feel …?”
Request: “What are your thoughts about …?”
Request: “What do you think about ….?”