What Should I Be Feeling?

Every person is unique. The way you process your world is different than your friends and siblings. There’s no right way you should be feeling about committing to marry someone.

Every person is unique. The way you process your world is different than your friends and siblings. There’s no right way you should be feeling about committing to marry someone.

​Do not use your their experiences as a barometer for your own.

Shared so much personal and afraid s/he will share.

This is not a reason to marry anyone!

Rebbe: Generally with regard to a shidduch, the feelings of one's heart are more than of secondary importance. Therefore, one must have at least a beginning of feeling for this matter [i.e., a feeling for one's potential mate], or at least conjecture that this feeling will eventually come about. --If, however, even this is lacking and the heart says "no," then one should give due consideration to this [absence of feeling]. (Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 306)
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There must be positive feelings. It can’t just make sense intellectually or socially. Or on paper. Make sure; go out again to make sure your feelings are real (and not just from all the compliments of the night.)

​You must be in a calm, ‘head’ state to make such a decision.

You should be feeling respected and appreciated for who you are.

And you respect and appreciate him/her with all his/her human quirks. (No one is perfect; if you do not recognize any of his/her flaws, you just might be infatuated and not thinking with your head.)

You should feel that you really care for him/her, and that you would really put in time and effort to make his/her life better.

​And that s/he would do the same for you.

You should be feeling that you want to share about your day – joys or frustrations – with her/him because you know s/he cares.

​And s/he wants to share with you, and you care to hear about his/her day.

What is hamshachas halev?

It is crucial to marry someone who makes you feel comfortable about being you. Someone who appreciates you so much that you begin appreciating yourself more. In an authentic way. Not just flattery. Someone who notices the ‘you’ in you.

We love the person who helps us feel good about ourselves.

And you should want to marry someone who feels great about themselves – because you are in their life. Someone whose best qualities sparkle, someone who becomes alive – just because of your attention.

When you both shine because of each other, you’ve got hamshachas halev.

​It’s not fireworks. It’s not floating in clouds. It’s not infatuation with each other. It’s a feeling that you know that you bring out the best in the other. And you want to continue doing that for the rest of your lives.

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Every person is unique. The way you process your world is different than your friends and siblings. There’s no right way you should be feeling about committing to marry someone.


Every person is unique. The way you process your world is different than your friends and siblings.  There’s no right way you should be feeling about committing to marry someone.

Do not use your their experiences as a barometer for your own.

--

Rebbe: Generally with regard to a shidduch, the feelings of one's heart are more than of secondary importance. Therefore, one must have at least a beginning of feeling for this matter [i.e., a feeling for one's potential mate], or at least conjecture that this feeling will eventually come about. --If, however, even this is lacking and the heart says "no," then one should give due consideration to this [absence of feeling]. (Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 306)

--

There must be positive feelings. It can’t just make sense intellectually or socially. Or on paper. Make sure; go out again to make sure your feelings are real (and not just from all the compliments of the night.) 

You must be in a calm, ‘head’ state to make such a decision. 

You should be feeling respected and appreciated for who you are.

And you respect and appreciate him/her with all his/her human quirks.  (No one is perfect; if you do not recognize any of his/her flaws, you just might be infatuated and not thinking with your head.)

You should feel that you really care for him/her, and that you would really put in time and effort to make his/her life better.

And that s/he would do the same for you. 

You should be feeling that you want to share about your day – joys or frustrations – with her/him because you know s/he cares.

And s/he wants to share with you, and you care to hear about his/her day.

What is hamshachas halev? 

It is crucial to marry someone who makes you feel comfortable about being you.  Someone who appreciates you so much that you begin appreciating yourself more.  In an authentic way. Not just flattery. Someone who notices the ‘you’ in you.

We love the person who helps us feel good about ourselves.

And you should want to marry someone who feels great about themselves – because you are in their life.   Someone whose best qualities sparkle, someone who becomes alive – just because of your attention.

When you both shine because of each other, you’ve got hamshachas halev.

It’s not fireworks. It’s not floating in clouds. It’s not infatuation with each other. It’s a feeling that you know that you bring out the best in the other.  And you want to continue doing that for the rest of your lives.

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