by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad Institute
Make a (short) list of personality traits that really bug you.
Yeah, one day you’ll work on yourself so they don’t bug you all that much. But for now, you really don’t like being around people who do that often.
Some examples might be: tries to seem more important than he really is; works too hard and doesn’t know how to chill; is full of self pity; rude; petty and focuses on imperfections.
Make sure that whatever you put on this short list is so crucial to you that if your spouse did do that on a consistent basis, it would indeed create a major wedge between the two of you.
- When you know what is on your ‘can’t stand’ list, then you can try to find out about that even before you meet. For example, if you really can’t stand when someone is ALWAYS complaining and it really grates on you, then you ought to try to find out that about the prospective date. And you can ask it straight out: “I really like to be around positivity. I know that if I was married to someone who always complained about everyone and everything, it would drive me crazy. How would you rate his attitude – five is (almost) always positive, zero is a real complainer.”
- If during the research stage, you find out that they have a trait that you can’t stand, then it really isn’t worth getting to meet them. Caveat: make sure that the information is accurate.
- Or, if you already are dating and then you discover that trait, simply end the relationship. No point in prolonging.
Knowing what you really can’t stand can help narrow down your prospects. Just make sure that whatever you put on your list is something that would be a real relationship breaker for you. (If you have a long list, then review it to see if you should learn to be more tolerant. Before getting married.)