by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad Institute
The conversation was awkward, she didn’t seem able to appreciate some things that are important to him. And he isn’t sure he would like to meet with her again. Actually, he doesn’t care if he never speaks to her again. What next? Encourage him to meet her once more for a ‘second date’ or just tell the shadchan that this just isn’t going to work?
Perhaps they can meet for a shorter ‘coffee date’ to see if the dynamics have changed. Or change up the time of day or type of venue. Just to give everything a fresh start.
Here’s where people have different perspectives:
“Lousy date, next!”
There are so many reasons why a first date may not go so well, and quite likely a second date will make conversation flow better.
Many people are not themselves after a full day of work and school and are not great conversationalists when they are tired.
Some people are simply shy, and takes a while longer for them to open up. Or they do not have much experience speaking to the other gender, and become anxious. Or they find the shiduch process overwhelming and shut down.
Or somehow one the neutral ‘first date topics’ triggered a bad memory. Or she just found out her grandmother isn’t going to make it much longer.
Or she’s self conscious about a hole in her tights.
Or the spot is too noisy. Or she was there with a previous date and it all feels awkward to her.
or.. or … or..
And hence a second date will give the possible relationship a second chance.
“Just not feeling it”
Some people are intuitive enough to recognize when something has potential or not. But before totally dismissing the shiduch possibility, he should talk it through with someone who might help shed another understanding of what might be going on.
If he is just not feeling it after that discussion, it just very well might be that it isn’t meant and move on.
“It isn’t nice to say no after the first date”
Dating is a vulnerable time, and people might feel some pain during the process. Going on a second date just not to hurt someone’s feelings seems misguided to me. If you know there is no potential, why waste anyone’s time or emotions. Just be a mench about it.
“I don’t want the shadchan to think I’m picky”
True, the shadchan put much effort into the shiduch, and might be asking you to give it another chance just for her sake. No, you do not have go on a second date for the shadchan. And if the shadchan won’t redt you another shiduch, well then, is she the right shadchan for you?
If you’re the one who ‘made it awkward’
If you feel that you did not present yourself fully, for any of the above scenarios, or any other reason, let the shadchan know. She can then help the other side better understand the dynamics.
Oftentimes, it is only on the second date that the potentail for the shiduch is recognized.