by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad Institute
I’m not talking about planning where to go and when, and what to wear and when to eat. That’s a whole different planning.
On each date, you will share some about yourself and find out some about the other person. And you may also want to follow up on something you said or heard on a previous date. Plan this all. This will keep your dating productive and on track.
Plan how you will share about yourself
Of course, on dates, you will share about yourself. You want to make sure you know how he feels about your passions and challenges. And your family. And your level of commitment to Yiddishkeit. And more. At each date, you’ll share some more.
- So, what are you ready to share at this point? How will you bring it up? How much of it will you share? What is really irrelevant and doesn’t really need to be shared?
- It’s not so much that you are talking about yourself – as much as you want to make sure he know you as you are. How might you present it so that it is clear? You also might plan who else to bring into the conversation to make sure that he really understands it as it really is (maybe a doctor, a mashpia).
- And then you want to confirm that you know how he understands it. How will you make sure that you know how he understands it?
Plan what you want to find out about the other
There are some general things that you will already know about your date. And then there are some things that are more specific to that person. At each date, hopefully, you’ll be learning more about him.
- Prepare what you hope to find out on that date. And how you might go about finding that out. How you might word your questions.
- You may want to follow up on something you heard or he said last time. Depending what the topic is, plan your words, the setting, the timing.
- Or, you may decide that you don’t want to ask outright, and you can try to get the conversation started through the shadchen. **It’s tricky – trying to rely on someone else finding things out for you. It is always best to ask directly. You’ll learn so much more from firsthand information and the body language.
Follow up on previous conversations
- After a date, you may realize that you still have some questions or you want to understand something better. Plan how you might bring it up.
Make each date productive. It’s not just about seeing what a good time you have together. You are dating to have meaningful and useful dialog to determine if you two are truly compatible for marriage.