Stage 1: Finding Out about Each Other


  • Can be done by your parents of your advocate. As applicable, you can do your own research too.
  • At this point, you and your parents/ advocate should be on the same page about what you want and need in a spouse.  *Check in every so often to make sure that they (still) are on the same page and presenting you and what you want as you really as and that you really are looking for.
  • Dor Yesharim is checked.

First Dates

  • Prelude to possible future dates. The purpose of the first and second dates are just to determine if you to meet again. Don’t make too many judgments based on a first date.
Purpose of the meetings/ dates
  • To get to know if you want to know more about him/ her.
  • To see if you are comfortable (enough) with each other.
  • To break the ice.
What to do/ talk about
  • Practice non judgmental listening!
  • Sit across from each other. Across the table (not on couches in a lounge; it is best to have the table space between you). This is not the time to ‘do something’ together.
  • Talk about just regular basic chitchat/ nothing important/ nothing personal. 
  • Not too many hours (2-3 hours) – make that up in advance, so neither has to ‘cut it short’ or feels insulted when the date ends earlier than anticipated.
What to do after the date
  • Process; do you like how you fee sitting across from each other? Do not analyze every little thing.
  • If there was no glaring reason not to go out again, then meet for a second date.
  • If after a second date, you still feel nothing, then you can simply state to the shadchen that it is not for you; no need to articulate why.
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