Stage 2: Developing a Relationship

How many dates?

  • How many? Depends on how things are moving along.

Purpose of the meetings/ dates

  • This is the time to communicate your values and goals and to learn more about the other’s values and goals. Of course, throughout the conversations, there will be some lighter topics as well.
  • Intentionally getting to know more about each other.
  • Intentionally letting the other know more about you.
  • Determining is s/he is the right person for what you want and need for your life.
  • Determining if you are the right person for what s/he wants and needs.

What to talk about

  • Plan what you hope to cover during each date. Prepare your discussion starters and questions that you want to find out (and how) and what you want to share. Be intentional!
  • Practice non judgmental listening!
  • Always confirm what you think you understand, what you infer. Either ask directly, or if it is early in the process, ask the shadchen.
  • Move at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Make sure you are conscious and comfortable about moving to the ‘next level’. No one should rush you – not your date, not the shadchen, not your parents, friends. If you are stuck at a certain level for a while, then work through that. Do not move to the next level – until you are comfortable to do that.
  • If you don’t yet feel comfortable to answer a personal question, you should not feel that you must share. 
  • If you feel that the other is not yet comfortable to share enough to move things along, try to make him/her more comfortable. 
  • Do other things besides just sitting across the table from each other. !!! It’s not about doing something fun together as much as seeing each other in different contexts.
  • Listen into passion tone, choice of words, vehemence.
    • You can tell more about a person by what they say about others then you can by what others say about them.
    • Listen to how s/he presents a person/ situation that s/he disagrees with or is not happy with.
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