When getting to know each other, you really want to make sure that you both understand who the other is, not only the words they say.
- What is their definition of ‘frum’?
- What does ‘lots of guests’ mean to them?
- What does ‘a close family’ look like to them?
Ask for examples and stories.
- “What does that look like to you?”
- “What do you mean when you say [XYZ]?”
- “Please describe that to me.”
- “Please share an example of what you are talking about.”
- “Tell me more about that.”
Share examples and stories.
- “Let me explain in more detail….”
- “This is what I mean when I say …”
- Simply include it in your conversation.
Ask for ‘word slashes’.
- “When you say ‘independent’ what other words might you use to mean the same thing?” You might get ‘independent/ reliable/ responsible’ or ‘independent/ doesn’t need anyone in his life/ loves his freedom”.
Ask for rating scale.
- As applicable, you might ask : “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is that to you?”
Reflect back what you heard to confirm that you understood it accurately.
- “So what I’m hearing is that you [XYZ]. Did I get that right?” (Not, “So what you are saying…”) Then listen to clarification.
- You can also ask your date, “Could you please let me know the gist of what you have heard?”
NOTE: This is only necessary for the important issues (values, visions for the future, family, etc.), not everything you are discussing.
Clarify as needed.
- If needed, make gentle corrections or additions. “That’s not quite it. Let me try again to say it in different words.”
- You might add another example. Or come at it from a different angle.