The whole point of dating is to get to know the other person
– who they really are, beyond what they do and what they like.
To get to that, you should minimize the number of
stereotypical questions, like “What do you do?” and “How was your day?” and “What do you like to do in your spare time?” You want to know more about the other person than what interests you both have in common.
So, you both like hiking, so you both like Chinese Fusion.?
So, you both visited the same fascinating people during the year you spent in Israel.? Those aren’t crucial for a successful marriage.
Most people don’t really like those types of conversations
Most people are way more interesting than they come across
on a first date where all they talk about is the weather, where they went to school and the ambiance of the space in which they find themselves. They just need to be courageous enough to share more about themselves. Even on a first date.
Your goal is to start to get to know each other. Do talk about topics that can help you get to know their passions, character, personality, priorities, how they deal with life situations. The real person.
In this way, you’ll get to meet some truly interesting people. Even if the shidduch isn’t meant to be, the dates won’t be so
Listen with real curiosity. Beyond the actual words they use, listen into the tone of the voice and how animated they are as they talk. Tune into body language and facial expressions as they describe whatever it is they are talking about.
Avoid your favorite topic.
You’ll end up talking too much and not listening enough.
Bring up your favorite topic.
If there is a topic that you are passionate and curious about, bring it up. Ask questions to get their perspective and insight.
If it is something you are interested in and the other person has some insight and experience, the conversation can really flow.
If you sense that the other person doesn’t know much about the topic, or doesn’t want to talk about it, move on.
When in doubt about what to talk about, bring up …
- the setting where you find yourself
- family (unless you know it is uncomfortable topic)
- what you are doing currently
- current events (read the news before you meet)
- recent travels
- book you are currently reading
Avoid hijacking the conversation.
‘Hijacking the conversation’ means bringing the conversation back to yourself. Don’t do it.
“Oh that reminds me of a time…” Blah blah blah
“You just went to Israel, I did too. Let me tell you all about it……….. ……..” Blah blah blah
Put your phone away.
Nothing says “I’m not totally with you” like looking at your phone.