Before committing to marriage, THINK about these aspects of your relationship. And back with examples and anecdotes.
- Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
- Does s/he bring out the best in me? Do you like the person you are when you are with him/her?
- Am I afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.
- Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her? You will spending a lot of time together, you will learn from each other. Think of your friends and neighbors. How have they influenced your thinking, your choices, your way of being?
- Do I feel that s/he cares about my concerns? Is s/he respectful even when you don’t see eye to eye?
- What is the communication like when you don’t agree? Does s/he listen to your perspective, or does s/he try to bring you to her/his side?
- Do I feel comfortable to be vulnerable with him/her? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
- Do I feel that s/he is completely honest, or does s/he answer what s/he thinks I want to hear? Does s/he say different things at different times?
- Am I truly comfortable with his/her baggage? Everyone has baggage and everyone brings the baggage into the marriage. What is his/ her baggage; you will have to deal with it with him/her.
Nobody is perfect in all areas. Be ready to give in on minor aspects.
Rebbe: The more the internal and inner aspects are revealed, the more the external and exterior aspects vanish - until they completely evaporate. (Igros Kodesh, Vol. XI, p. 52)