‘Taking a break’


by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad Institute

Sometimes it happens. You’re dating someone and you’re just not sure.  Sometimes, ‘taking a break’ from meeting each other is the best thing to do. The Rebbe has suggested it on a number of occasions.

Sometimes, people just need some space to work things out in their head. Every time you have a conversation with someone, even a small text, you get more interconnected. And it doesn’t allow for real thinking about whatever it is that needs thinking.

1. First and most important, make sure you both are clear about the reason for the break. Discuss that you both will use the time to gain clarity about feelings and thoughts.

2. And then agree together about the details of the break. This way it is clear to all and no one gets insulted about anything.  Some things to discuss:
– Absolutely no communication. No ‘Good Shabbos’ texts. NOTHING!
– When the break will be over.  (A break should be at least a week.)
– Who who will initiate the first communication. And how.
– Keep the shadchen involved.

During the break, take the time of no communication to recalibrate – to clear your head and think with your head.

– What do you know about her?   How does that fit with who you are and what you want for your life?
– What sides of you does she bring out? What do you bring out in her? And how do you feel about all that?
– What else would you like to know? How might you find out? How might you ask her?  (Don’t make assumptions or inferences.)
– Can you see her as the mother of your children?

And if it all makes enough sense with your head, bring in your heart.

– Do you miss her? What about her do you miss? Are they good reasons, or is it infatuation?

Use this time to slow down and reconnect with yourself, with your own thoughts. So that you can make this important life decision from a place of peace of mind.

***Do not meet other people during this break. Not until you have officially called off the relationship.

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