When dating does not work out, I take rejection very personally.

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It would be easy to just say not to take it personally, but if only it were that simple. The urge for a romantic bond is deeply hard-wired into our brains. For this reason, some people experience rejection not merely as a (sometimes bitter) disappointment, but a very personal attack on their value as a human being. Here are key points to help you respond most constructively to this distressing feeling.

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It would be easy to just say not to take it personally, but if only it were that simple. First, let us explore how rejection works and why some people are so badly affected by it. This will allow us to understand how to cope with it better. The urge for a romantic bond is deeply hard wired into our brains. In the natural world, animals will go great distances and take enormous risks to find a partner. The same is true among humans.

For this reason, some people experience rejection not merely as a (sometimes bitter) disappointment, but a very personal attack on their value as a human being. In other words, rejection feels worse than it usually is. Knowing this could help keep things in perspective. What follows are key points to help you respond most constructively to this distressing feeling.

Roll with the pain, but…

Feeling really bad about what has happened is completely normal. You are entitled to feel down. There is no reason to beat yourself up about feeling rotten. Recognize that most people experience rejection. Knowing that does not make it less painful, but it can stop you from going crazy. While self-acceptance is vital here, it is important that it does not begin a negative cycle.

Rejection has a depressive impact, dissipating our motivation for life. While understandable, it is essential that your reaction is the exact reverse. Make a point of being around positive people and connect with those you love. When feeling upset, it is common for people to binge-eat or engage in other unhealthy practices. Knowing this can help you make a determined decision not to let this happen.

It is important not to become cynical

Your recent dating experience may have been a particularly regrettable one. Say the guy was rude and inconsiderate, or the girl was judgmental and unsympathetic, or maybe the shadchan badly mishandled the situation. This may not be the only rejection of bad dating experience, and you are entitled to feel upset. Be careful, though, that you do not become cynical. It is both untrue and unhelpful to adopt the attitude that all guys/girls are impossible to please, or that you are just terrible at dating. Give yourself enough time to recover and then be positive. A sunny disposition is definitely an advantage for dating.

It’s not your fault, but what can you learn from this?

There are all manner of reasons why dating may go wrong. At a minimum, it is the decision of two individuals. There may also be others “putting their ore in”, and there is not a lot one can do about that. From my experience, very often the rejected party does not get a meaningful explanation (if one at all) for why the dating is going to end. In some ways, that is the hardest part, as this prevents closure.

There is really no reason to blame yourself; it is most likely misplaced. However, that is not to say that there is nothing to learn from the experience. It is sad that things did not work out, but it would be sadder still if nothing good came out of it. There is always something of value to be derived from the experience; it is important that is captured and stored for future use.

Take stock; try to understand what might be going on.

As said, rejection is, unfortunately, a normal part and a not uncommon aspect of dating. But if happens repeatedly – and especially if each occasion is difficult to explain – it is worth trying to understand what may be going on. Many people are struggling with some kind of issue that they are they are unaware of, and this can get in the way of successful dating outcome.

People are often entirely unaware of how they may be projecting a particular impression that undermines the success of their dating. many of those issues are addressed throughout this website. Even a very small problem is sufficient to trip things up. If there is indeed some hidden factor as work, why wait until you have more aggravation before addressing it?

Build a strong support system

Dating can be grueling. If you are having a hard time with it, ensure you are not facing the struggles on your own. Reach out to mentors, guides, rabbis, family members, and such like to get the support you need. You need to be able to talk things through, bounce ideas around, and get things off your chest. Whatever the stresses are, you need to have a way of getting it out of your system.

Commit to do something positive

Rejection is not just painful; it can also be debilitating. You may normally be a fun, energetic, can-do person, but rejection can induce a depressive, dejected, and negative mindset. As noted earlier, you should allow yourself time to recover. However, you should be clear throughout that you intend to not let it get to you too much. Resolve that you will act to fill your life with uplifting and positive things. Know that you will be much better off if instead of moping you arrange a trip with friends, start a DIY project, or read a book.

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