Shiduchim: Are we writing off people too quickly?

 By Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad

Undoubtedly, we all have challenges in our lives. But, at least on the surface, some people’s challenges are more profound, and – in the arena of shidduchim – too often become a basis for wonderful people not to be given the opportunity as a potential shiduch.

True, some people’s lives seem complicated, as they carry “heavy duty” adversity – be it physical or mental illness, abuse, finances, family issues, and so on. And, of course, every person responds differently to their life experiences. But I’d like to pose the question as to whether we “write people off” too quickly, without considering how the person’s challenges actually turned them into a better person – potentially making them a better spouse, parent, friend – a mentch.

We know that “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” For many, their very hardship and misfortune compelled them to dig deep, resulting in their finding an inner strength and resilience. Going through adversity made them kinder, more empathetic and responsible. They are more evolved as their experiences have built self-awareness, helped them to better see another person’s perspective, and strengthened their emunah.

And they flourish. Not despite their challenges, but because of them!

Through their life experience, they have the confidence that they’re capable of handling whatever comes their way.

To overcome their challenge, they received support…and know the power of receiving and giving help when needed.

They engaged in professional counseling….and learned stronger mindsets and skills to navigate through life. 

They are in tune with their thoughts and emotions … and know how to communicate those productively.

They experienced disappointment…and know how to accept and move forward.

Of course, some people haven’t worked through their trauma or struggle, and perhaps that is not something you’re prepared to deal with. However, shouldn’t we embrace those who have turned their pain into growth? Shouldn’t we learn to see it as the positive that it is?

Shouldn’t we embrace these warriors?

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