You don’t have to tell your spouse everything

Should spouses tell each other everything? In one word, no.

While one spouse may be more comfortable disclosing than the other, she or he should not expect to hear every thought, action, urge or memory of their partner. We need different degrees of solitude to re-charge, regulate stress and nurture a sense of self – be it a solitary hobby or reading the paper alone. –

In other words, some PRIVACY.

In a trusting relationship, we have neither the need to check each other’s phone, emails, mail or daily moves, nor the obligation to disclose all. That is privacy. –

And then there is SECRECY. The distinction between privacy and secrecy is very important. Privacy becomes secrecy when there is conscious motivation to keep something unknown, hidden or unseen from one’s partner—something that directly impacts that person and the bond shared, often something that can harm the relationship.

One way to discern if it privacy or secrecy is to determine if the information is harmful to the marriage relationship – gambling, clandestine friendships are detrimental to a marriage. That is secrecy and not fair to your spouse or to your marriage. –

What is reasonable to expect to know about each other and to ask? It should be on a ‘need to know basis’. Think: What about that information is important for you to know? What is the point of knowing? What about that information is important for your spouse to know? What is the point of telling? –

TRUST IS KEY IN MARRIAGE; and trust is not needing to know everything about each other, and being OK with that.

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