For men (click here for women’s version)

Her values

Her values should be compatible with yours. They do not have to be identical.

• How does she envision her family life to be? her role? her husband’s role?
• What drives her? What does she see as her purpose in life?
• How does her Yiddishkeit affect who she is?
• What are her priorities? How important is materialism to her? Is it compatible with your hopes for your life?

Her goals and aspirations

• What are her goals and aspirations? How do you fit into those? What would be your role?

Her personality

• What are her strengths? What are her limitations? Can you live with those?
• How does she interact with others? (How do you know that – from your own observations? From your experience with her? From research? From what she says?)
• Is she controlling in any way? (What is evidence of her controlling behavior or attitude?) How do you feel about that?
• How does she act when she does not agree with another’s opinions or actions? (How do you know that – from your own observations? From your experience with her? From research? From what she says?)

Her health

• Do you know about any health issues? Do you know how they will affect her future life?

Her family and influences

• How does she get along with her family? her mother? her father?
• Does she spend a healthy amount of time with her family – not overly dependent, or too independent?
• Who does she spend most of her time with? Who are her friends? How do they influence her?
• Where does she get her inspiration and understanding of the world – family, friends, media, working with mashpia, learning? (How do you know that – from your own observations? From your experience with her? From research? From what she says?)

Is she good marriage material for you?

• Is there anything about her that you thought “you’d never marry”? How do you feel about that now?
• What are her ‘human flaws’ (we are all human; nobody is perfect)? How do you feel about them?
• What baggage (past experiences, attitudes, etc.) is she bringing into the marriage?
• What does she bring into the marriage that can really make a marriage and a life with her be successful?  Is there anything that concerns you?

Friendship

• Are you sure she is a good friend to you? What are examples?
• Do you deeply care about her? Are you ready to give to her? What are examples?

 Emotional Safety

• Do you feel emotionally safe (safe to be and express who you really are) with her? What are some examples?
• Do you feel comfortable to make requests of her, or to share your perspective?  How has she responded to your requests/ perspective?
• Are you sure she feels emotionally safe with you? What are some examples?

 Admiration & respect

• What about her do you admire and respect? What are some examples?
• What about you does she admire and respect? (How do you know that – from your own observations? From your experience with her? From research? From what she says?)
• Is she making any concessions just to make this work? Have you discussed it? Does she really think she can maintain it? Do you really think she can?
• Are you making any concessions just to make this work? Have you discussed it? Do you really think you can maintain it? Does she really think you can?