Everyone has ‘stuff.’ True, some is heavier than others. One of the key goals in dating is ensuring that you are accepted for who you are—both the good and the challenging aspects that someone may need to embrace. The focus shouldn’t be on whether to share personal information, but rather on how and when to do so. If it’s something that someone might say “no” to or feel betrayed about if they didn’t know in advance, that’s definitely something you’d want to make sure they accept about you.
Opening up about your private matters on a date can feel intimidating. You don’t know how they’ll respond—they might be shocked, discouraged, or decide not to proceed with the shidduch. However, many people will respond with support, and that admission is an important step in building trust.
Disadvantages of Omission and Denial
Omission (not sharing something that should be shared) often stems from fear of negative reactions. However, hiding important information can erode trust, as second-guessing and lying will eventually take a toll on the marriage and on each individual in their own way. These things tend to surface anyway, and the surprise or sense of betrayal the other person feels upon discovering them can severely damage the relationship.
Denial (failing to admit the truth, even when asked) is an outright breach of trust. Once a blatant lie is uncovered, rebuilding trust becomes extremely difficult.
Benefits of Sharing
Sharing your story might be uncomfortable, but the benefits can be tremendous. It begins the process of building earned trust. Sharing allows you to gauge how your date handles difficult topics, helping you understand whether they can support you through life’s challenges. If the relationship evolves into a marriage, you will have an ally who knows your whole self.
How to Share
It’s crucial to view this process as sharing a part of yourself, not as a “disclosure,” which can sometimes carry a negative connotation, as if something is wrong. Everyone has their own ‘stuff,’ and while some issues might seem heavier than others, everyone’s experiences shape who they are today. The way you present your situation—with confidence and openness—can greatly influence how the other person perceives it. When you’re comfortable with your story, it helps set a positive tone for the conversation.
Mindset
Your mindset regarding sharing is crucial, as it will influence how you communicate. Focus on your goal of building a marriage rooted in trust and open communication, even when the topics are challenging. It’s important to ensure that the other person accepts your ‘whole package’—the good and the difficult aspects of who you are. Keep in mind that if they aren’t ready to handle this part of your life, you will still be okay. This perspective will help you approach the conversation with confidence and authenticity.
Plan your approach and respect your own boundaries
Since it’s your story, you have control over how and when to share it. Start with a small, manageable piece of information and observe their response. Using the “drip” method—where you gradually reveal more—allows you to assess whether they can handle what you are sharing and if they’re open to deeper discussions.
Provide enough information to help the other person understand your situation and how it may impact their life, without oversharing unnecessary details. You may want to consult a Rav on how to handle details that touch on lashon hara.
Additionally, you might plan to first share something positive that came from your story, like your volunteer work with special needs children or your choice of career path. Later, you can explain the backstory behind those choices. You might say, “I volunteer because of my own story with…” or “I chose to go into nutrition because I have a restricted diet due to a medical condition…”
Lastly, since this is your story and you know how much you’d like to share and what is important to share, you can prepare a response in advance for questions you’re not ready to answer or feel are irrelevant. You might say something like, “I’m not ready to discuss that right now, but I’d be happy to share more when I feel comfortable,” or “That’s not something I feel is important to dive into at this stage, but I appreciate your understanding.”
Timing
Share personal information when you feel the relationship may develop further. There’s no universal rule—it’s about gauging the comfort and trust level between you and your date. Once a connection is established, it’s time to share your story, giving the other person enough insight to make a thoughtful decision. They should have enough interest not to dismiss the shidduch out of hand, yet not be so involved that they feel unable to protect themselves from something they can’t handle.
Wording You Might Use
Entry Point:
Prepare your date for a more serious conversation. “I want a marriage built on trust and open communication. I’d like to share something with you, but I need your reassurance that you’ll keep it confidential, regardless of what happens between us.”
Introduction:
Frame the information in the context of who you are now: “When I was younger, I struggled with… but I’ve since learned and grown from it.” “A lot of who I am today comes from how I was treated as a child.” “My relationship with my parents is complex, but it’s something I’ve been working on.” “I’m not proud of my past decisions, but I’m proud of my progress.”
The Issue:
Explain the situation and how it impacts your life today. “When I was [age], I had access to the internet and made some poor choices…” “I was bullied as a child, which affected my self-esteem…” “My medical condition is [name], and day to day, it means I need to…”
Growth/Recovery Journey:
Describe the steps you’ve taken to address the issue. “After realizing the situation was harmful, I sought help from [mashpia, counselor], and we created a plan. Baruch Hashem, I’ve made significant progress.” “Spending time with healthier influences has taught me what real friendships look like.” “I’ve learned to manage my condition, and it rarely flares up now, but when it does, I know how to handle it.”
What You Learned:
“This experience, while difficult, taught me a lot about handling stress and knowing my limits.” “Therapy has given me tools to navigate relationships better.” “Because of my past, I’m more sensitive and empathetic toward others.”
Invite Questions:
“I’m glad I could share this with you. Feel free to ask me any questions if you’d like to know more.”
Ensure Understanding:
“I know that was a lot of information. Can you tell me what you understood, and I’ll clarify anything or fill in any gaps?”
Closing:
Reaffirm your vulnerability and trust in them. “I completely understand if you need time to process this. Please only discuss it with someone who can hold confidentiality.”
The question is not whether to share, but how and when. Share the aspects of your life that will impact your potential partner and a life together, so they have a clear understanding of it all. While it may be daunting, sharing is essential for building a genuine connection based on trust and acceptance. By pacing your revelations and respecting boundaries, you create a safe space for open communication.