When someone is in a mindset of martyr or victim, they often count how much they are doing versus the other people around them. “I do ABCDEF and you only do three things. I am getting the short end of the deal here.” That mentality breaks down relationships.

It may be worthwhile to take a fresh look at what each of you are doing in the relationship and household – hour for hour, task for task. Break it down into subtasks. You may find that your spouse is doing much more than you give credit for. Or that some tasks take longer than you assume. Or more headspace (jumping from task to task takes headspace). Mental work is also hard work.

You may find a new appreciation for the work that your spouse does. “I did not fully recognize how much work goes into all that.” And they may find new appreciation for what you are doing.

You may also find that you aren’t doing your equal share; admit it. “Wow. I did not realize how much you are dealing with. I am so glad we discussed. I want to make it easier for you. What can I do?”

Or, you may find that your spouse isn’t doing an equal share; talk about that respectfully. “I am feeling overwhelmed with everything that I am doing for the family, the house. Too many things are falling between the cracks. It is important to me, to us and for our children that our household is calm and runs smoothly. We need to work out a system that works for all of us. What ideas do you have?”