Words are powerful; they can help, heal, hurt, harm. Words like “You make me feel special” or “What can I do to help?” can enrich a relationship. Of course, words said deliberately to hurt or belittle are damaging to a relationship.

Certain words or phrases can be ‘triggering’ (for both good or bad) as they cause a listener to feel strong emotions because of previous experiences. Words that seem more neutral can also be triggering based on the individual’s past experiences.

 Do you know your spouse’s triggers – both good and bad? What are words that can make your spouse smile or pull them out of a bad mood? What are words that your spouse really doesn’t like to hear?
Can you list them right now? The more we are cognizant of those words or phrases, the more likely we use words that land better on them.
–
 In a relaxed, non-judging way, talk about how different words land on you. “When I hear the words [whatever trigger], it reminds me of [memory] and I feel [emotion] all over again.” “When I hear the words ‘Let’s sit down for coffee’, it reminds me of my parents fighting and I feel anxious all over again. Let’s come up with another phrase we can use.”

Such a conversation can really help you get to know each other more deeply and help your communication.