If we have a problem with our spouse’s behavior, it’s our problem. Even if what they are doing (or not doing) leads to unfavorable outcomes, it is still our problem.

It is when we recognize that the problems we have with others are, in fact, our problems, that we stop trying to change them and try to communicate why we find the behavior problematic.

 “I know this may be hard to hear, but I want you to know I’m telling you this because I care. Oftentimes, we can’t see our own shortcomings, and we can benefit from other people’s feedback to help us become better versions of ourselves. And this is only my perspective—of course, you’re free to disagree. I only ask that you thoughtfully consider what I share.”

Then say the hard things. Talk from the angle of how their behavior is impacting their life – their growth, personal values, social consequences, family dynamics, etc.

After you’ve shared, ask, “How do you see it?” Then listen.

 Be prepared that you won’t have a full conversation about it right then. Feedback, no matter how well it’s delivered, often takes time to process. Set a time to continue the conversation.