The words we use in a disagreement can make all the difference.

Start with a soft opener. According to the Gottman Institute, 94% of the time, the way the conversation begins determines how it ends. In other words, discussions will end on the same note they begin. If we start an argument harshly by attacking the other person, we end up with at least as much tension as we began with, if not more.

Don’t make it personal. Don’t attack the person with words like “You are wrong.” Instead, use more respectful tone: 💬“I hear what you are saying… (many people say that).”

Start off by sharing what parts you do agree on. 💬“I agree with that first part.”

Use I statements. 💬“I see it differently.” 💬“I have a different perspective/ point of view.” 💬“Based on my experience, I have a different way of seeing this.” 💬“I have a different experience with that.” 💬“The way I see it …”

Don’t use negative terms such as ‘disagree’. Adding the word, “I respectfully disagree” or “ I somewhat disagree” still has the word ‘disagree’ with all its connotations. Similarly, don’t label the idea with phrases like “that’s such a stupid idea.”

Don’t use the word “but”, it discounts whatever was said before it. Don’t say, “I hear what you are saying but it is wrong.” “I agree with one part but the rest is wrong.” Instead use the word “and”. 💬“I see what you are saying, and I am concerned that …”