During an argument, take a break with Yellow Light, Red Light

When you notice that your discussion is spiraling downwards or moving to sensitive topics, you might use the metaphor of the traffic light to indicate that you need to take a break. The idea is to use a two-word phrase “Yellow Light” in place of this longer statement: 💬“I really want to hear what you are saying, but I’m feeling very stressed now and I need a break to cool down before I can hear more or respond. I’ll come back in a few minutes. Is that OK?”

When things are getting sticky, either of you can call out “Yellow Light” to indicate that you want to proceed with caution here and that you need a short break from talking to calm the momentum of frustration or irritation or to think about how to proceed. You can go to separate spaces or simply stay in the same space quietly – whatever works for you.

Sometimes you may need a longer break and you can call out “Red Light”. This break should be at least an hour. (In general, it is best to call for a “Yellow Light” before calling for a “Red Light.)

You can use any metaphor or code word to indicate that you need a break. Discuss this technique in advance so you both agree on the concept and what a break could look like. Agree that if one calls for a break, the other will respect it and take that break.