When you say, “I’m sorry. OK, so I’m not a good (enough) husband/wife,” or throw out phrases like “I’m so pathetic” or “You deserve better than this,” it doesn’t feel like a real apology to me. It feels like you’re deflecting.

Honestly, it seems like you’re sidestepping the hurt I’m feeling. Those self-pitying apologies don’t really touch on what I’m going through. It’s like you’re saying, “I can’t help it; that’s just who I am—a pathetic person.” In doing that, my feelings get pushed aside while you focus on your own inadequacies.

I’m still left holding my hurt, and now I have to deal with yours too. What am I supposed to do with that? Am I meant to reassure you that you’re good enough? Should I downplay my own pain just to comfort you? It feels like I’m responsible for making sure you don’t fall apart.

When I’m hurt, what I really want to hear is you owning up to what you did and telling me how you plan to change. I need an apology that acknowledges the pain you’ve caused and takes responsibility for it—not one that centers on your feelings of worthlessness. What would make me feel your apology is genuine is you prioritizing my feelings and the hurt you’ve caused, rather than just shifting back to your shortcomings.