Many times, what we are fighting about is not really what is bothering us. The words in our fighting or bickering may be about the dishes in the sink or the bill that wasn’t paid. Often, there is an underlying emotion – like insecurity or fear or sadness.

It is important to talk about the real issues, to bring up those underlying emotions.

It starts with noticing when the size of the energy about the bickering seems bigger than it ought to be.

If you notice that your response is disproportionate to the issue, reflect on what might be going on for you. What might be fueling all that energy, is it really only about [the dishes]?

If you notice it in your partner, be curious about what might be happening for them. Determine when is a good time to bring it up – it might be in the moment or it can be later. You can say, “You have a surprising amount of energy right now about [the dishes]. There’s something fueling all that energy and I’d like to understand where it’s coming from. Can we talk about it?”

It might be that it really has nothing to do with the relationship; it could be that there is some anxiety about something coming up, or something lousy happened during the day. Or, it may really be something in the relationship. It is worthwhile to uncover and effectively address the underlying issue.