Sometimes we get upset at the small stuff (like dishes in the sink). Really it’s about issues that are emotionally much deeper, like not feeling needed, appreciated, noticed, important, or securely attached. Everyone wants to feel loved, safe, and secure. We may not know how to express it, or even realize it is happening, so we instead let that surface content (the dishes) set us off.

 When we begin to get upset at something, it’s important to pause and check in and see what is really going on for us. As applicable, we can talk about it with our spouse.

 Similarly, when our spouse is upset, it is important to try to understand what is really going on for them. Ask. What is the real emotional need? And how can you fill that?
“I am happy to do the dishes, but it’s more than just the dishes, right? You don’t feel like I am around enough, is that right? Because I feel the same way. I really wish it were easier to be here too. You deserve that and so do I. I look forward to us having more time together. I need you in my life and you are important to me.”