If you want to get a message to your spouse, speak to them in the way that they can best understand and receive it. The more you know the context in which they see the world, the better you can communicate.

People live in their universe, with their context, the way they see the world. No matter how much you try to make your beliefs more important to them than their own, you will fail. Any idea or suggestion that you introduce must be shared in their language – talking to the context that is their worldview. They can’t listen if what you say doesn’t make sense to them. Start from their world and then slowly present your idea.

“Given [the background], I understand that [this] is very important to you. I so appreciate that part of you. At the same time, I want to explore some new ways that we can [do something].” *** Notice the words ‘at the same time’ rather than the word ‘but’ which would negate the first part of the statement.

“Given the fact that your parents smothered you with too much attention and inteference in your life, I totally understand that you want to give the kids lots of space. I so appreciate that part of you. At the same time, I want to explore some ways that the children get a balanced amount of our attention.”