Is it possible that you are unintentionally ‘parenting’ your spouse – i.e. doing for them because you think they can’t do it right on their own?

Of course, spouses do for each other. And not because they expect to get anything back. But if you are doing it because you think that they can’t do it right, then that feeling comes through. And most likely, they don’t like it. And you probably won’t get the appreciation that you think the effort deserves.

If you just start making healthy foods because you want your spouse to eat healthier, but they don’t want that. Or buying gifts that you want your spouse to use or wear so they ‘look better’. Or rearranging their workspace ‘to help them’.

No one likes to be treated as if they are incompetent; this can make them feel criticized, belittled, like you think they need fixing. As if their spouse doesn’t accept them as they are.

No one likes to feel as if they are beholden to another person, or that they ‘owe’ them something. Or that someone did something for them begrudgingly.

Check your intention. One professional calls this type of helping ‘the sunny side of control’. If your help is coming with a hint of control, your spouse will not appreciate it and the downward spiral of not feeling appreciated begins.

Stop taking over and leave room for your spouse to be more autonomous.