When getting to know each other, you really want to make sure that you both understand who the other is, not only the words they say.

• What is their definition of ‘frum’?
• What does ‘lots of guests’ mean to them?
• What does ‘a close family’ look like to them?

 Ask for examples and stories.

• “What does that look like to you?”
• “What do you mean when you say [XYZ]?”
• “Please describe that to me.”
• “Please share an example of what you are talking about.”
• “Tell me more about that.”

 Share examples and stories. 

• “Let me explain in more detail….”
• “This is what I mean when I say …”
• Simply include it in your conversation.

 Ask for ‘word slashes’.

• “When you say ‘independent’ what other words might you use to mean the same thing?”  You might get ‘independent/ reliable/ responsible’ or ‘independent/ doesn’t need anyone in his life/  loves his  freedom”.

Ask for rating scale.

• As applicable, you might ask : “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is that to you?”

Reflect back what you heard to confirm that you understood it accurately.

• “So what I’m hearing is that you [XYZ]. Did I get that right?”  (Not, “So what you are saying…”)  Then listen to clarification.
• You can also ask your date, “Could you please let me know the gist of what you have heard?”

NOTE: This is only necessary for the important issues (values, visions for the future, family, etc.), not everything you are discussing.

Clarify as needed.

• If needed, make gentle corrections or additions.  “That’s not quite it.  Let me try again to say it in different words.”  
• You might add another example. Or come at it from a different angle.