You are dating to learn more if she will be a good wife for you, not just a fun friend.
When dating, you are looking for a spouse. Someone to build a life with. Someone solid, stable, supportive, caring.
While fun and ‘cool’ are exciting to date, that is not the aspect that makes them great spouses.
During your dating, it is indeed important to confirm that you enjoy each other’s company and that you feel comfortable with each other.
You want to know that she ‘gets’ you and appreciates you -with all your human imperfections and quirks. And you respect and ‘get’ her. Can you be great friends?
You also share about values and visions for life (hashkafa). Are they similar enough? Can you respect and live with the differences?
Also important is to try to ascertain if she will be a good wife and mother. Of course, she has not had the wife and husband responsibilities yet, so you cannot simply look into that.
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You can however have discussion about those areas. And learn about her mindset and thoughts about the roles of husband and wife, father and mother.
What makes a good wife for you is very individual.
Some men want a partner in financial responsibilities.
Others know their work is very demanding, and want a supportive wife who makes him comfortable when he is home.
Others may want to spend free hours learning, and need a wife who respects and supports that.
Others may want a simple lifestyle, where the wife may not be working and is always available to their children.
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Listen to learn. Listen between the lines. Talk about it directly.
How does she talk about her mother, her sisters, her brother’s wife? What does she say about women (his friends and family members) and their roles in their family? What are her thoughts about work/ community work and family balance?
How does she speak about the role of men and the partnership of spouses in family, household, finances, etc. Do those more or less match what you hope for your family?
What was her experience growing up in her family? What were the roles of her mother? Her father? Does she want to have a similar family dynamic? What does she hope will be different in her own family, and what will she proactively do toward that?
Speak about your vision for family life. How does she respond? How do you feel about her responses?
In these next slides, some men* talk about what they most appreciate in their wives. What these men mention are the first thing that came to mind when asked the question. Of course, there is so much more happening in their marriage relationship.
*All men responding are married more than 5 years.
NOTE: No one woman can be all those things.
What I so cherish in my wife is that she is resourceful. She can make something out of practically nothing. She finds all sorts of creative solutions to whatever comes our way. Nothing phases her; she takes it on as a challenge. Another wonderful thing about her is that she is so caring. She truly gets me and the children. She knows just what to do and say at just the right time. Because she really cares to listen to us.
Besides that she runs a great home – we are all taken care of and everything is neat and organized (and delicious) – she is so much fun. She can make any crazy situation into a fun experience.
She just knows how to find the humor and positive in anything. And I love that it rubs off on me. I find myself more positive because of her.
We have very similar values. That was very important to me. And now I see even more how important that is. Looks, health, wealth, all change, but those values remain. And we have learned together to really communicate with each other. When we were dating, what most impressed me was that she was interested in growing and developing stronger skills and ways of being.
I love our deep conversations. But really that’s a bonus. She’s a good, honest and kind woman who is a great model of goodness, honesty and kindness to our children. She has her priorities straight and knows how to keep our family on board with those.
She’s home with the kids more than I am, and I know that she is giving our children an excellent chinuch and life.
One thing I really wanted in a wife was common sense. BH, my wife is that and so much more. She knows how to balance all the responsibilities of marriage, work and family. With a smile (mostly).
I love that my wife is perfectly capable on her own. She doesn’t get frustrated by a flat tire or a bug. She has no problem taking care of issues – calling whoever to get something done. I saw that in her when we were dating, and it intrigued me. Now so many years later, after dealing with so much of real life, she can do all that with her eyes closed. I’m in awe.
She works hard in her career, and I know she loves what she does. I’m really happy for her. She brings that joy and her experiences to our family. She knows how to balance it all. We’re really blessed.
I’ve learned tons from her. She definitely played a huge role in who I am today.
I like who I am in her company. She knows how to bring out the best in me; she pushes me, challenges me, and supports me. And helps me laugh at myself (the good kind). At the same time, she knows that I need some time with my friends to get re-energized. And she gives me that space and time.
She lets me be the man I am! She doesn't try to change me. And she knows to go to her girlfriends to talk and do stuff that she wants to do that I really don't like to do.
She appreciates me for being me. She lets me shine. I've seen many times that she highlights my strengths to others. That really boosts me and encourages me to do more.