When we hold a grudge against others, we are holding a grudge against ourselves.

When we are hurt by others, we get angry and may have some thoughts along the lines of: “How did I let this happen?” “How did I not see the signs?” “Why didn’t I say something sooner?” “Why did I stay so long in this situation?” “Why did I let them bully me?” “How could I have been so naïve; why didn’t I trust my gut?” Those are thoughts of our inner critic. (It is worthwhile to recognize that our inner critic is really trying to help us, to motivate us to live our better lives – albeit, not in a positive nor effective way, as it brings us down.)

To really forgive someone and let go of the impact of their words or actions, we must first forgive ourselves – for our humanness, for our flaws, for not getting it right every single time. Only then are we able to forgive others for their humanness and their flaws.

It starts with having compassion and understanding for ourselves. We are all human and we make poor choices from time to time.

This exercise may be helpful: Write down whatever negative thoughts your inner critic is saying about you. Then, write a self-compassionate response to each negative thought. When those inner critic thoughts creep back, you can shove them back by telling yourself the self-compassionate statement.

(more on forgiving yourself in upcoming posts)