People may say they want to be listened to, but it’s really that they want to be understood.

But too often, they are not fully saying what is going on for them – especially when they are under duress. Their behavior and their words may be masking the real reason for their distress, what they are trying to avoid, what’s upsetting them. So, it is not enough to rely solely on their words.

When we’re listening deeply, we listen for the facts and we listen for the person’s feelings, but we don’t stop there. Then, we listen for the needs behind the feelings. But we don’t stop there. Then, we listen for what the person wants changed-the desired outcome.

When we listen for the facts, for feelings, for needs, and for the desired outcome, we get a more complete picture of that person’s situation.

Help the other person share what is really going on for them, what they are not fully saying. With curiosity and empathy, ask questions to get to the underlying feelings or concerns.

💬 “What about this is so important to you?” “Why does this matter to you?”
💬“Help me understand… what’s the backstory here?”
💬“Explain this to me… why do you think that?”
💬“How is this impacting you?” “What do you make of this?”
💬“What do you wish was different?”