Multiple “don’t want”/”Don’t like” statements seldom add up to one clear “would like”. – “I don’t want a blue sweater.” – “I don’t want a cardigan.” “Would like” statements efficiently convey your preferences. – “I would like a red V neck sweater.” — “Don’t like” tends to engender defensiveness, discouragement and negativity. “Would like” invites […]
Month: May 2018
Accept your shortcomings. Accept your spouse’s.
As a human being, you have some shortcomings. We all do. No one is perfect. Some of our flaws are the mirror image of our strengths. If you are super organized; you might be less flexible. If you are industrious and always accomplishing, you may not allow yourself time to relax with your family. Some […]
How to interrupt your spouse
Dos and Don’ts of Interrupting – Don’ts *Don’t not allow the other to finish sharing important information, before you jump in. “I know what you are going to say.” *Don’t negate what the other said before the thought is completed. – – Dos *Support and build on what the other said. *Break into a monologue […]
Use “I statements” to avoid positive judgments
“You are so wonderful” and “You do that so well.” can be subconsciously felt as judgments, albeit positive ones. Positive judgments express what you think about the other person. Even though these are positive judgments, they still put the recipient in the position of being judged and the praise-giver in the position of judge. And […]
Active listening: Giving your full attention to the other.
Active Listening is a form of listening and reflecting back what you’ve heard that can deepen the bond, the trust, the understanding and the mutual respect in relationships. Reflecting back what you’ve heard uncovers misunderstandings earlier. The listener can then reflect back by paraphrasing in their own words what they think they’ve understood and then […]
Let your spouse know you feel enriched by them
There are words of compliments, appreciation and gratitude. And then there is showing the other person how much your own life is enriched by having them in your life. This really makes the other person feel good to be doing for you. – An expression of gratitude such as “Thank you for taking care of […]
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Reflect about what is working well in your marriage. What is it that you are doing when your spouse is acting loving and considerate? Do more of that. – What are you doing that pushes his buttons. Or, what is it that you nag about? Just stop doing that. Either let it go, or experiment […]
3 parts to a marriage: Husband. Wife. The Marriage
In a marriage relationship, there are three key components to consider: the husband, the wife and the marriage itself. (This is different from the concept that there are 3 partners in a marriage: Hashem, husband and wife.) – Put the relationship first if you want it to last. In other words, when you and your […]
Listen to negative feedback – with respect
Respect your spouse’s need to share the feedback, as hard as it is for you to hear it. Listen – with respect. – Bite your tongue. Do not interrupt. Let him/her say it all. Do not get defensive. – Ask questions. Try to get to the underlying issue (ex: resentment, triggers a memory, need for […]
There is a time for silence and a time to talk
“Do not appease someone when his anger is aroused.” Avos 4:18