Not forgiving is like trying to punish the other – by harming yourself. The unforgiveness may be aimed at the other, but in reality you are only wounding yourself. Forgiveness is giving up the idea that the past could have had different results. It is about letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on […]
Month: January 2019
Start conversations about conflict – softly.
According to the Gottman Institute, 94% of the time, the way the conversation begins determines how it ends. In other words, discussions will end on the same note they begin. If you start an argument harshly by attacking your partner, you will end up with at least as much tension as you began with, if […]
Complain or criticize?
Criticizing puts more attention on the thing/person being criticized. Complaining puts more attention on the person complaining. When you criticize something, you’re saying “Here’s what’s wrong with it/you,” but when you complain you’re saying “I’m not happy about this.” It may just be semantics, but there is a difference in the mindset and attitude. Complaining […]
Is your marriage the safest place in your spouse’s life?
Does your spouse feel that they can really share their feelings and thoughts and they will be received with respect? Do they feel relaxed enough to be themselves 100%. A happy marriage is one where both feel safe. Safety depends on attitudes and behaviors that support emotional connection and deep respect for each other. If […]
Lower the volume during an argument.
Talk softly. The louder someone yells, the less likely they are to be heard. Even if your spouse yells, there’s no need to yell back. Taking the volume down makes it possible for people to start focusing on the issue instead of reacting to the noise.
It is ok to feel anger. It is not ok to act out in anger.
Anger is in itself neither good nor bad—it’s what you do with it that matters. Anger is best viewed as a tool that helps us read and respond to upsetting situations. For example, we can get angered by injustice to the less fortunate and use those feelings to create initiatives to help. Unfortunately, too many […]
How not to apologize: using words like “obviously” and “misconstrued”
Two words that have no place in any apology: “obviously” and “misconstrued.” – “I obviously didn’t mean to hurt you.” The word “obviously” is not a humble word. If you obviously didn’t mean the horrible thing you said, why did you say it? And if something really is obvious—if, say, you obviously didn’t intend to […]
How not to apologize: “sorry but”
“I’m sorry, but there’s a lot going on in my life” and “I’m sorry, but was exhausted” diffuse responsibility. They’re excuses. Similarly, “that’s not who I am” announces that you were possessed by some sort of demon. If you said it, it is indeed who you are. It’s up to you to face that unpleasant […]
Don’t “agree to disagree”
When you agree to disagree you are essentially hitting a dead-end, and thus there is a sense of disconnect. You are each holding onto to your own truth without acknowledging that the other person has another interpretation of the same event. Rather, listen to understand the other’s perspective. Based on their experiences and logic, their […]
Let go of being right and accept your spouse.
Let go of being right and accept your spouse for who they are. When you accept reality, your life will be much less stressful. – He always runs late. Instead of yelling at him each and every time, accept that he’ll always be late and add a time buffer to any plans with him. – […]