Both partners want more peace… they just approach conflict with completely different instincts. One partner wants to slow down and explore what happened —how each person contributed, what went off-track, and what they can both learn to do differently next time. Their inner voice might say: “If we understand this, we can prevent it.” “We […]
Change the Dance: Dealing with Conflict Read More »
Both partners are longing for connection… they’re just using opposite survival strategies. The pursuer senses distance and feels an urgent need to close the gap. They might think or say: “We need to talk.” “What’s going on?” “Don’t shut me out.” “I just want us to feel close again.” So they talk, probe, ask, push—trying
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Both partners want things to go well… they just cope with life’s stress in opposite ways. The overfunctioner jumps into action—taking charge, solving problems, organizing, and anticipating everyone’s needs. Their inner voice might say: “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” “I can’t let things fall apart.” “I’ll just handle it—it’s easier that
Change The Dance: The Overfunctioning–Underfunctioning Read More »
A relationship is like a dance. One person moves a certain way, the other responds, and over time, a pattern develops. It doesn’t matter who started it—what matters is the rhythm you’ve created together. This happens in all parts of a relationship: during loving moments, disagreements, everyday routines, or when needing support. When the dance
Is the Dance in Your Relationship Stuck? Read More »
Playfulness in conversation can shift everything. When things start to feel heavy or serious, a touch of humor, curiosity, or exaggeration can bring ease back into the moment. It softens edges, helps both people relax, and reminds us that we’re not just managing life together — we can enjoy it too. Sometimes playfulness shows up
A Little Playfulness Can Open the Heart Read More »
This phrase is deflective and shuts down the conversation. It dismisses the other person’s interest or concern without addressing the topic, effectively preventing further discussion. This can stifle open communication, leaving the other person feeling unheard and disregarded. When said with a sinister tone, it can come across as highly controlling. When you feel like
Words to Avoid: “You don’t want to go there.” Read More »
“I have to…” implies obligation or burden, framing tasks or responsibilities negatively. By shifting to “I get to…” instead, we reframe our thinking to focus on opportunity and gratitude. This simple change can foster a more positive outlook and appreciation for the tasks or activities we engage in. It transforms everyday actions into meaningful opportunities
Words to Avoid: “I have to…” Read More »
“You just need to be more [understanding, positive, forgiving]” is diminishing because it tells someone how they should feel or act. It can make the person feel like their emotions or actions aren’t valid. It’s especially dismissive when it’s used to justify your own actions. Of course, in a healthy relationship, spouses can gently guide
Words to Avoid: “You just need to be more [understanding, positive].” Read More »
When emotions run high or the conversation feels like it’s going in circles, it’s okay to ask for a pause. This phrase can be a helpful way to create space without shutting down the discussion entirely. The key is framing it in a way that shows you’re still committed to resolving things, just not in
Words to Use: “Can we take a break and come back to this?” Read More »
or “That’s who I am— a lousy person.” When you say this, you’re deflecting responsibility and sidestepping the real issue. The other person brought something up, hoping for some accountability or at least a conversation about what’s going on. But instead of engaging with the situation directly, you’re avoiding it by either blaming yourself or
Words to Avoid: “Guess I’m the bad one here.” Read More »
