Hmm. Is it possible that you are focusing more time on the areas that you disagree on than living the life that you do see eye to eye on? Some studies say we spend 90% of our time on the 10% that we disagree on. That’s grossly misusing our energy and time on the wrong […]
Month: August 2019
Care-frontation. Not confrontation.
Care-frontation, which is defined as “Confrontation done in a caring or loving manner.” The core of care-frontation is to approach the person from the heart: with compassion rather than recrimination. This is the best way to get anyone’s attention. Not only starting from heart, but also leading the conversation from the heart. A care-frontation makes […]
Your mindset and heartset frame your thinking and problem solving.
How you frame the issue directly impacts how you will begin to address it. It all starts with your mindset and heartset. If you come at the issue from an angle of collaboration or from revenge, you will come up with very different ways of dealing with the situation. Before trying to address the underlying […]
Marriage is so much harder in today’s upside down world.
Giving is what brings us true happiness. It’s in our Torah teachings. It is proven in studies. And when we are honest with ourselves, we know from our own lives. Yet, in this upside down world that we live in, somehow, some of us live as if our happiness is dependent on other people loving […]
Say “I’m Sorry I upset you” even when you are not wrong
Your spouse is upset. By something you said or did. Even if you are not wrong. No matter how it happened. No matter the intention. And since you care so much about your spouse and the marriage, acknowledge that you did somehow contribute to their upset. Later you can ask what you did that upset […]
Say ‘I’m sorry I upset you” even when you are not wrong.
Your spouse is upset. By something you said or did. Even if you are not wrong. No matter how it happened. No matter the intention. And since you care so much about your spouse and the marriage, acknowledge that you did somehow contribute to their upset. Later you can ask what you did that upset […]
You can’t know what you couldn’t possibly have known.
You grew up in two different families. With different normals. What is typical in your family can feel so foreign in your spouse’s. In your spouse’s family, at Sukkos time, everyone already had announced what they would bring to the Chanukah party. In your family, it was more ad hoc, and everyone just brought something. […]
Ask: “What has been a time that you truly felt loved by me?”
Ask from genuine curiosity, and make it a safe conversation so you will get an honest and useful response. You may have thought that the response would be about the expensive gift or long walk on the beach. But it might be something much smaller or less ‘typically’ romantic. It may be about the time […]
Make a list of what you love about your spouse.
Of course you love your spouse. And you want them to know it. Deep down they also want to know WHAT about them you admire, respect, love. Make a list about what you admire, respect and love. Review it from time to time. Add to it. Add more examples and anecdotes. Writing and reading this […]
Some of the most loving words: “I didn’t realize that”
You didn’t mean to hurt your spouse. Sometimes, you can’t know in advance how your words, actions or inactions might land on your spouse. Something may trigger a memory or a sensitivity. Validate their feelings. Acknowledge that what you said or did brought up negative feelings. And then say, “I’m so glad you told me. […]