Compliments, appreciation, awe, approval, encouragement, pride, acknowledgements. Why you would want to share your positive feelings. 1. Your spouse will want to spend time with you (not from a place of neediness). A person naturally seeks the company of those who think well of them. – The more someone senses appreciation from another, the closer […]
Month: June 2018
Share your feelings
Describe what you are feeling about the experience rather than just the experience itself. Instead of “What was that for?” or “I don’t like when you say that”, say “I felt hurt by those words.” – Instead of “You are so lazy.”, “You never do anything around here”, ”I hate that I am the only […]
Words to Avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?”
Some words to avoid: “Why are you getting so upset?” This questions the listener’s sensitivities and invalidates his/ her feelings. Rather say, “Please walk me through what is so upsetting to you.”
Words to Avoid: “Let’s drop it”
Some words to avoid: “Let’s just drop it.” It isn’t fair to your relationship or your spouse to shut down the discussion. Instead, ask for a temporary time-out. “I need the time and head-space to step back and process it a little bit. I promise I’ll get back to it.” And don’t leave in a […]
Words to Avoid: “I’m sorry if you feel that way”
Some words to avoid: “I’m sorry if you feel that way.” This invalidates the listener’s feelings. It certainly is not an apology. Rather say, “I apologize for doing [whatever it is you did], I can see it upset you. I did not intend to do that. Help me understand what went wrong here.”
It doesn’t always need to be done “right now!”
Unless it really is time-sensitive, most things don’t really need to be done the minute you ask for it. Dishes can stay in the sink for a few hours, the mail can be brought in later. – Your spouse does want to do for you and the family. They just might want to do it […]
Give indirect compliments. Sometimes.
GIVE INDIRECT COMPLIMENTS. SOMETIMES. Compliment often! Most of your compliments to your spouse should be direct and specific. Sometimes, you can also give an indirect compliment. — Talk about them positively to everyone and the news will eventually reach their ears. “Ella had such a great idea to create this. She designed and developed it […]
Silence: Key in communication
Sometimes, silence is the most important part of the communication. Being quiet doesn’t simply mean not talking while the other is talking. Rather, it is to actually take some moments to silently reflect before responding, giving everyone time to think and absorb what was said. – Excerpted from Marriage 911, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R and […]
Don’t hint. Ask directly.
Often when a person needs or wants something, instead of coming out and asking for it directly, s/he only hints at it. Hints do not motivate. A hint does not convey a message and does not deliver an impetus to act. The listener may even feel irritated, as subconsciously s/he expected to hear a request […]
Apologies are less important than respect
Apologies often do not work. The person who was offended may have very minimal confidence in the apology. Most people are not as needy of an apology as they are to feel understood and respected. In fact, it is likely that the only way apologies help – the only time they do work – is […]