“Should” is one of the most judgmental words you can use. Telling people what they should or shouldn’t do, say, or think makes you the judge and ruler of their thoughts and decisions. It evokes and builds negative thoughts about the other person. Instead of “She should have called…” say, “I wish she had called.” […]
Avoid the word: Should Read More »
Too often, we use the words “Just be rational here” to mean “Agree with me”. You don’t have to always be in 100% agreement about everything. Your spouse doesn’t have to have the same thoughts and ideas as you. You don’t have to have the same thoughts and ideas as your spouse. – When your
Rational’ doesn’t mean ‘Agreeing with me’ Read More »
Don’t wait until your marriage runs out of gas and you need to call in for emergency help. Be proactive. Keep your marriage fueled. Do for each other. Laugh together. Compliment each other. It’s the small things.
Fuel your marriage. Be proactive. Read More »
Open your heart, open your mouth and share your positive feelings for your spouse. — Say it! Tell your spouse how your life is enriched by them. – Use the 3 Part Statement: 1. The actions that have contributed to those positive feeling: When I [saw/ hear/ found out] 2. Why those actions affected those
Share your positive feelings about your spouse Read More »
In a healthy marriage, each spouse has sole authority and sole responsibility for speaking his or her own thoughts and feelings and for deciding his or her actions. Trespassing into your spouse’s space feels invasive and is likely to trigger defensiveness and repulsion. And because you can’t really know what is going on for anyone
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Avoid absolute words – that have no exceptions. These are usually said to make a point, usually exaggerated. And usually comes off as negative. None All Noone Never Always Everyone Ever Must Only No Not Just
The words you use to start a conversation set the tone for the entire conversation. Words that express strong feelings or thoughts tend to derail discussions – quickly. Under the upset and anger, there are other feelings that would probably invite more positive responses. — Words to avoid: – I feel annoyed … – I
Make it easy to be heard. Choose better words. Read More »
Questions that stimulate informative answers almost all begin with the open-ended WHAT or HOW. Questions that begin with “Are you” or Do you” invite yes and no answers, and then shut down the conversation. Yes/ No: “Do you want to ….” Answer: “No” – Open-ended: “How would you feel about …” Answer: “I’d rather try
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Keep your personal power. Saying “YOU MAKE ME FEEL” indicates that you believe that feelings are inevitable responses to what someone has done to you. You are giving your personal power away to someone else. And, you are likely to antagonize your spouse, since it indicates blame. — So why do people say that? Why
You control your feelings. Only you. Read More »
No one likes to hear complaints; they give most people a downer feeling. Instead of complaining, request. Requests establish a positive tone and invite helpful responses and solutions. – Complaint: “I hate …” Complaint: “Why do we always …” Complaint: “I don’t like that ….” Complaint: “It bugs me when …” – Request: “How about
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