JOT-Better Words

“I don’t care, you decide” isn’t the name of a restaurant. You may think you’re being nice or accommodating. It doesn’t always land on the other person that way. More often than not, your flexibility is unkind. You are leaving the mental work to them – to make the decision that impacts both. They are […]

When each of you has a different view or desire about something, ask this question. This helps you sort through what is at stake for each other. You’ll get to know how important that thing is to each other. If your spouse rates something as quite high and you rate it lower, then do it

With these words, the speaker is essentially calling the other a liar. If you suspect that they are being untruthful, telling them straight out that you don’t believe them will usually backfire.Instead, say, “I’m having trouble believing you’re telling me the entire story.” It’s less inflammatory and accusatory. Listen to the full story. Ask pointed

This is usually said when some information is intentionally not shared because ‘I thought you already knew’.  Too often, this is said when someone is annoyed or frustrated with another person, and they consciously or subconsciously withhold information that could have prevented issues or conflicts. This is an underhanded, or passive-aggressive, way of showing upset.

In most situations, both people have contributed to the problem in some way. We often blame our partners for our relationship distress, which may or may not be valid. Maybe it’s time to take a closer look in the mirror to see if your own behavior contributes to the problems. If you are facing a

Don’t ever assume you know a person or a situation completely.  There’s always something new to learn.  You might start the conversation with “I’m confused about something, and I’m wondering if you can help me understand it better.” And then listen with genuine curiosity.

Everyone needs some time to have their own fun – with friends, family or hobbies. Allow – no encourage – your spouse to have their own time. Saying things like, “Have a really good time,” “Have fun with your friends!” or, “Hope your night is awesome; I can’t wait to hear about it!” shows that

These words are usually said in anger and frustration. The speaker is unilaterally ending the conversation, effectively saying that the other person has lost their attention and don’t have permission to speak anymore. The speaker is essentially declaring that they just don’t want to work it through, that they don’t care about the relationship (at

These words have the implication that the other is beneath you. Instead, you might say “I’m struggling here to understand how I should show up for you here.” “Help me know what my role can be here.” “What else might I say so you understand my perspective?”

Or similar, “You are too sensitive”. Telling someone how to respond is discrediting their way of being. Instead, give them the space to feel their emotions and provide emotional validation – even if you don’t agree with them. (Is it possible that you are being insensitive or even callous to the situation?)