JOT-Better Words

“I’m not angry,” (said when clearly and visibly showing signs of anger.) Sometimes this is then followed with stonewalling. Often people say this as a form of denial, or they want to avoid conflict and not talk about what went wrong. If you are angry about something, admit it and address it in a respectful […]

Stress experienced by one of the couple has an effect on the other person as well as on the relationship. When your spouse faces a challenge or overwhelm, assure them that you are there at their side and they don’t have to face it alone. Reassure them that when and if they need anything, all

Often, we make inferences and conclusions about someone else’s behavior. Sometimes those are accurate. Many times, they are not. It is also disrespectful to assume you know someone’s intentions or thoughts. Ask the other person what their intentions or thoughts behind an action they took that was displeasing to you. “What was the backstory?” “What

When there is a disagreement or argument, many people may become anxious about their relationship. Periodic conflicts and arguments are all part of relationships. Even though you may be having a conflict, reassure each other that the relationship is in a good place. “We’re OK. This is not about our relationship, it’s about a detail.

You might use this question when talking about differences and change requests. The idea is to get a better picture of the specifics of what the other is envisioning or wishing. For example, if you are discussing your different ideas for Shabbos afternoon family time. You might ask “What would it look like if the

By saying this, you are trying to shift the responsibility away from yourself and blame it onto the other person. Take responsibility for your words/ actions. That is separate from the fact that the other person may or may not be doing the same thing too.  At a later point, when you are both calm,

Sometimes, our words just don’t come out as intended. Rather than just hoping that the other person won’t notice or will receive your message despite the wording, admit it. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right.” “That is not what I meant to say.” “That came out wrong.” Then continue, “Let me try that again.” “Let

When embarking on anything beyond your regular schedule, plan it together. The word ‘our’ stresses that you are both involved in the planning and implementing of the plan. Know who will do what and when. Discuss the hows. Think of potential pitfalls and prepare accordingly. Write or type it up and review together. (Print it

Unsolicited advice can sometimes be taken as criticism or distrust. “I can take over from here” can sometimes be received as ‘they don’t think I am doing a good enough job’. It’s important to be aware of this when offering your help. Of course, at the same time, an important part of a marriage is

When your spouse asks you to do something, don’t just say “yes”. Add some real enthusiasm for being able to do or give what your spouse asks for. “Sure, I’d love to do that for you.” This can help your spouse feel noticed and cared for.