PREPARE: Preparing for your successful marriage

What Are You Committing To? Some pointers for discussion

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Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to developing a meaningful emotional connection and do not want to take the relationship in a serious direction. Often this is because of an ambivalent relationship orientation. They want the closeness, but they are not ready to be tied down. So they treat dating like a game. You can tell a player by the very dramatic gap between their nice manner and their dismissive attitude towards the relationship.

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Are you ready for marriage?

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If you are not ready to get married, then you are not ready to date.

Do not say that ‘I may as well start dating because it will take me years until I find the right one’. Neither should you say, ‘I should start dating because that will help me figure myself out.’
Once you start dating, you should work with the assumption that this shiduch might very well be the ‘one’. You may just find that the first person you date is the one you want to marry.
So, are you ready to get married? Here are some things to really honestly think about. It might be worthwhile to review these questions with your mashpia or good friend who really knows you and can be forthcoming and honest.

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“I can’t help who I am attracted to”

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Some people may think they are attracted to only a certain look and won’t even consider dating someone who doesn’t have those features.  They rationalize their perspective by saying that they can’t control who they find attractive, and why waste both people’s time by meeting. At first glance, that may seem reasonable. But actually, it

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“I can’t help who I am attracted to”

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Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.

At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.

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Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry

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Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you may learn things by actually meeting someone, you should not start dating without having a good sense of what you are looking for. Think of people you know who have

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I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?

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If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married but who is questioning themselves. One possible element of the issue is trying to work out what their sexual preference or orientation really is. Some people are genuinely frightened of

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