May 2021

Keep the shadchan involved all the way through. Even if you feel comfortable enough to stop ‘reporting’ to the shadchan. You never know when you might need their service again. In general, you should not be using the shadchan as a go-between. Most conversations should take place between the two of you – without a […]

You can learn more about a person from the way they talk about other people than what people tell you about them.  Do they respect others?  Do they speak negatively? Do they enjoy other people’s ideas? Is no one as smart as them? Also, tune in to their choice of words and their nonverbals such

Make sure your references are providing accurate information about you. If you hear that they are not describing you accurately, ask for the opportunity to help them get to know who you are currently. It may not help to take that person off your reference list; people may still call them. It is much better

When walking in the rain, a gentleman walks on the side of the street so that he would be the one who gets wet if a car splashes onto the curb. If there is a possibility of rain, bring 2 umbrellas. Sharing an umbrella generally brings two people in ‘too close for Halacha’ proximity. Plan

Talk about your understandings of the roles and responsibilities of a husband and wife, father and mother. Make sure both of your understandings are aligned; they don’t have to be exactly the same. The idea is to see that you can work with each other’s general outlook in these areas. If your ideas are similar,

Before committing to marriage, be certain that they respect you. Not only from their words, but also trust your own gut.  You should be able to articulate specific examples. What are examples where they respected your choices? your perspectives? a difference of opinion? your way of doing things? your schedule? your goals and dreams?

When bringing up a concern or difficult topic, pay attention to how you feel throughout – when you think about bringing it up, during the conversation and after the conversation. Especially if what you are bringing up is a concern about something they did or said, or something that you think may hit a nerve.

You are not dating only to get information, you should also pay attention to how you are experiencing the other person. Pay attention to the energy between you. Do you feel energized and alive when you are with them? Drained? Calm? Anxious? Protected?

Listen beyond the words. Listen for emotion. There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. Sometimes, their words are not telling the whole story. But if you tune into the way they are talking, you can get a better sense of what is going on for them. Listen in for

If the shidduch needs to end, be a mench about it.  This is not about you – it’s about them.  Do what you believe in your gut is the right way to let them know. Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves