“If only [something was different in life], I’d be happy.” That is a defeatist, negative attitude. In reality, our circumstances and even genes are less consequential than our attitude. And that is good news. Because unlike our circumstances or our genes—over which we have little or no control—we can control our attitude. Attitude is a […]
Words to Avoid: “If only…” Read More »
All of us want to be seen, heard and understood. We especially want this from our spouses. We want our partners to be interested in and to care about what’s happening inside our hearts. This is a basic human need. With real curiosity and humility, seek to really understand your spouse. “I want to understand
Words to Use: “I want to understand you.” Read More »
Too often, these words are said to cover something hurtful or selfish that was done. Instead of owning up to hurting the other person, someone might say, “You’re so insecure…” or “You took it the wrong way.” Instead, apologize for the hurt you caused, even if it was unintentional. If you are saying it because
Words to Avoid: “You’re insecure.” Read More »
These words are an attack on the other person’s competence and worth. They cut to the core value of a person and make them feel worthless. This is emotionally or verbally abusive. You might be frustrated at something, but saying such words is not the way to deal with those frustrations. Everyone has flaws and
Words to Avoid: “You can’t do anything right.” Read More »
These words show that you are not taking responsibility you’re your actions. When you say these words you are trying to justify that what you just did is OK because someone else made you do it. You are shifting responsibility, in other words blaming. Blame is one of the most common forms of verbal abuse.
Words to Avoid: “Look what you made me do.” Read More »
You are saying that you find the other person lacking in some area. And you are insinuating that you want them to change. Neither of those land well on someone else. Is this something that you can learn to accept as part of the whole person that they are? And if you want to inspire
Words to Avoid: “I wish you were more _______” Read More »
These words belittle the other person. If they were indeed being petty, then these words won’t help the situation. If their reaction to something was larger than most people might have responded, maybe it triggered something in them. Again, these words won’t help. Instead, don’t say anything. Or address their concern. No need to evaluate
Words to Avoid: “You’re so petty.” Read More »
This is usually said in a dismissive tone as a way to avoid talking about something uncomfortable. Dropping a conversation midway diminishes the importance of the relationship and makes the other feel irrelevant and unheard.
Words to Avoid: “Nevermind, I’ll do it myself.” Read More »
Most people want to be understood and validated. It helps us feel loved. Once we feel understood, we are open, happier, and more willing to listen to the ideas and perspectives of others. Validating another person might sound like, “I understand you felt that way, it makes sense to me”, or “That must have been
Words to Use: “I understand you.” Read More »
We make things seem insurmountable and then make excuses to not have to address the issue. This is a cop-out. We make excuses to protect ourselves from feelings of failure and fear. They help us to avoid unpleasant situations and mask our perceived shortcomings. Excuses are ways to get out of owning up to something.
Words to Avoid: “I can’t because…” Read More »
