JOT-Better Words

When you ask “What does [it] mean to you?” with genuine curiosity, you are seeking to get to know the other person a bit better. People can have varied thoughts and feelings about the same situation or experience. Similarly, words have different connotations for different people. “What does that award mean to you?” “What does […]

This is a great question to ask when something didn’t pan out as you had expected or hoped.  You can ask this question to yourself as a reflection question. You might think along the lines of “What can I tweak to get different results?” “What could I do to prevent this from happening in the

“If only [something was different in life], I’d be happy.” That is a defeatist, negative attitude. In reality, our circumstances and even genes are less consequential than our attitude. And that is good news. Because unlike our circumstances or our genes—over which we have little or no control—we can control our attitude. Attitude is a

All of us want to be seen, heard and understood. We especially want this from our spouses. We want our partners to be interested in and to care about what’s happening inside our hearts. This is a basic human need. With real curiosity and humility, seek to really understand your spouse. “I want to understand

Too often, these words are said to cover something hurtful or selfish that was done. Instead of owning up to hurting the other person, someone might say, “You’re so insecure…” or “You took it the wrong way.” Instead, apologize for the hurt you caused, even if it was unintentional. If you are saying it because

These words are an attack on the other person’s competence and worth. They cut to the core value of a person and make them feel worthless. This is emotionally or verbally abusive. You might be frustrated at something, but saying such words is not the way to deal with those frustrations. Everyone has flaws and

These words show that you are not taking responsibility you’re your actions. When you say these words you are trying to justify that what you just did is OK because someone else made you do it. You are shifting responsibility, in other words blaming. Blame is one of the most common forms of verbal abuse.

You are saying that you find the other person lacking in some area. And you are insinuating that you want them to change. Neither of those land well on someone else. Is this something that you can learn to accept as part of the whole person that they are? And if you want to inspire

These words belittle the other person. If they were indeed being petty, then these words won’t help the situation. If their reaction to something was larger than most people might have responded, maybe it triggered something in them. Again, these words won’t help. Instead, don’t say anything. Or address their concern. No need to evaluate

This is usually said in a dismissive tone as a way to avoid talking about something uncomfortable. Dropping a conversation midway diminishes the importance of the relationship and makes the other feel irrelevant and unheard.